The crucified condensation heart

Yesterday started rough in the hope department. Almost five months ago, my shoulder underwent surgery to repair a rotator cuff. Fall has turned to winter and spring is nighing, but the shoulder and accompanying arm are still reluctant to swing into full gear. Even worse, most of the time it feels like I have a second-degree sunburn — INSIDE my shoulder and bicep. Some days I’m hopeful it will rise fluidly; others I doubt. On a doubting day, God invited me to see His heart and to pronounce these true words:

“As for you, God, your way is perfect, Your Word is proven. You are a shield to all who take refuge in You. Who is our Rock besides You, o God?” Psalm 18:30-31

“Answer me, O Lord, for your lovingkindness is good. In the abundance of your mercies, turn to me.” (Psalm 69:16)

“I love you, Lord, because you heard my voice and my supplications. Because you turned your ear to me, I will call on you as long as I live.” (Psalm 116:1-2)

“I will give thanks to you, the God of heaven, for your merciful love endures forever.” (Psalm136:26)

A condensation heart. A condensed heart. Right there before my very face, making the heart of God ‘my-size’ – large enough not to be ignored, small enough that it fits in two window panes, misshapen enough that it seems just right for me, inexplicably there – condensation, sure – in a heart-shape on the window where I go to pray – huh??? There is no other condensation on that window. And, as of this writing, fifteen minutes after I first saw it, it is still there.

God there, in my window, telling me He loves me.

Then to open my daily prayer book and find love sprinkled liberally through all of the passages.

“I love you, my daughter.” “Your faith has made you well; now go in peace, to love and serve the Lord.”

To call me to say these words, “As for you, God, your way is perfect, Your Word is proven.”

So that I would say these words, “Lord, I surrender this shoulder to you. I surrender healing or not-healing. It is yours to do with as you will. I surrender my capacity to understand why. It is not because I am doing something wrong it is not better yet. It is not  because the doctor or physical therapist is doing something wrong.”

Your Way is perfect, and your love is perfect.