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8 Ways to Care for Caregivers

8 Ways to Care for Caregivers

If you’re reading this column, chances are you know a caregiver or act as a caregiver for a loved one. According to a 2020 AARP study, over 53 million people now act as unpaid caregivers in the United States.

 This study also revealed that caregiving can be hazardous to the health. We can help coming alongside caregivers by offering much needed comfort. Today we’ll consider eight ways we can care for caregivers. If you are the caregiver, I hope you will consider telling others (including me) how we can help you.

Have you been or are you currently in a season of caregiving? What are some of the most helpful things anyone has ever done for you in such a season? (I’d really love to know, so please drop a comment or hit ‘reply.’)

1. Consider the caregiver’s story.

A person’s entry into caregiving can affect how they feel about it. Ask these questions of your friend or yourself to understand that story better:

  • Did you expect to become a caregiver?
  • Did you volunteer to become a caregiver?
  • What changed when you became a caregiver?
  • Did you feel equipped to be a caregiver?
  • What losses have you experienced as a caregiver?
  • What joys have you experienced as a caregiver?

Listening to the caregiver’s story can bring them peace and hope and understanding of their struggles. If you are the caregiver, journaling through these questions might help you in your own struggles. (For paid subscribers, see below for a caregiver’s journal.)

2. Be aware of the emotional and mental losses that affect caregivers.

Common emotional and mental struggles include grief, anger, anxiety, depression, and guilt. As friends, we want to avoid giving quick-fix answers to the caregiver’s mental and emotional struggles. We can meet the caregiver with the love of Christ, who looked and listened and wept with Lazarus’ friends and family (John 11). We can offer the caregiver the presence of God, who had compassion for Job’s struggles, even as he firmly reminded Job who commands the cosmos (Job 38-39).

We can also encourage the caregiver to seek “common grace” ways of finding stress relief: seeking counsel, leaning into community, journaling, exercising, resting, and breathing.

3. Recognize spiritual doubts and struggles caregivers experience.

Caregivers may be struggling with questions like,  “Why is God allowing this to happen?” or “Am I being punished,” or “Does God care?” While again, we don’t want to offer quick-fix answers to these hard questions, we can offer biblical reassurance. As Rankin Wilbourne explains, “If you know that you are ‘in Christ’…you can be sure and certain that God loves you even though you may not know why he is allowing this suffering…It can’t mean God is punishing you or condemning you since Christ already bore all the punishment and condemnation that our sins deserved… (Hebrews 10:10; Rom. 8:1).”

4. Be aware of the physical losses affecting caregivers.

An American Journal of Nursing study showed that caregiving can result in an earlier and higher mortality rate: “Caregiving has all the features of a chronic stress experience…” including “physical and psychological strain,” “high levels of unpredictability and uncontrollability,” and “secondary stress in work and family relationships.”3

 A dangerous cycle often develops in which the caregiver forgoes her own needs to tend to the needs of the loved one. As Christians who have a theology of the body that calls us to care well for all God-given bodies, we can urge the caregiver to attend to her physical health.

We might offer respite care so our friend can go to the doctor or go for a walk or take a nap. We can also supply healthy meals to nourish the caregiver.

5. Recognize the financial struggles caregivers face.

Paying bills, filing for insurance, and making plans for long-term care are among the myriad tasks that add to the caregiver’s heavy burden. We may be able to help the caregiver with financial tasks in at least two ways. First, if we have gifts in this arena, we can offer help or guidance with paying bills or balancing the budget or making insurance claims. Second, we may be able to help the caregiver procure financial assistance or help them financially for a season.

6. Pray for caregivers when you pray for the sick.

Pray for the caregiver, and whenever possible, pray with them. When we call or visit the caregiver, in addition to telling them we are praying for them, we can ask if it’s okay if we pray for them in that moment. A praying voice can often soothe the frenzied spirits of the caregiver. In the same way, if we are texting or emailing a caregiver, we might write out a prayer to send. When our son had to have four brain surgeries in a seven-month period, I sometimes found it difficult to form the words to pray. Prayers sent to me by friends gave me the vocabulary and the voice to petition and praise God.  

7. Know that the caregiver often experiences isolation.

Caregiving may prevent the caregiver from going to church, leave her too weary to go for a walk with a friend, or make her feel alienated from those who don’t understand her burden. In addition to noting whether the caregiver is experiencing isolation, we can offer a warm, listening, helpful presence. We can also pray specifically that our caregiving friend knows the constant presence of Jesus, who experienced isolation on our behalf.

8. Offer wise counsel concerning end-of-life decision-making.

As a caregiver, I was grateful that I managed to convince my father to make an advance directive soon after his diagnosis with late-stage prostate cancer. Even with a directive in place, my family was faced with making decisions about care near the end of his life that provoked conflict and turmoil. Better communication about end-of-life wishes can help in such hard moments.

We can also educate ourselves and help others understand the medical issues regarding end-of-life decisions, bringing a biblical perspective to them. Additionally, we can help the caregiver gather information they will need in case of crisis (advance directive, power of attorney, passwords, etc.)

These are just a few of the many ways we can offer compassionate care to caregivers. I’d love to hear from you: what has helped you as a caregiver, or what have you seen to be helpful to a caregiver? Please share in the comments!

Elizabeth Reynolds Turnage

Elizabeth Reynolds Turnage

Elizabeth is a life and legacy coach who offers gospel-centered wisdom and equipping to help you live, prepare, and share your life and legacy.

Subscribe now to get free coaching tips from Elizabeth to help you with your aging, caregiving, legacy, and end-of-life.

A Prayer about Clearing the Caregiver Fog

A Prayer about Clearing the Caregiver Fog

Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, bright as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb through the middle of the street of the city…. Revelation 22:1

Creator God,

Today we lift up all the caregivers of hospital patients. 

You are with them, 

so you know the fog that sets in 

after days of caring for a patient 

in the hospital. 

It may feel like Pigpen’s cloud 

surrounding the brain, 

making clear thinking dusty

when it seems essential.

In the room dimly lit by fluorescents, 

the walls are two awful shades of beige, 

and before you know it, 

every thought and perspective is colored dingy beige.

Lord into this foggy space,

we ask you to send the radiating light of your Son, 

that the caregiver’s mind and heart 

might be transported 

to the glorious day to come. 

May she see the silvery river of the water of life 

glistening into this dim space. 

May she brighten at the brilliant greens 

and lemon yellows 

of the leaves of the tree 

for the healing of nations (and patients). 

May she imagine the better day, 

the eternal day 

when she and her loved one will taste of all twelve kinds of fruit, 

pomegranates and mangoes and juicy oranges and grapes 

bursting with the joy of it all.

Comfort the caregiver with this true hope, 

the hope of eternal glory.

In Jesus’ restoring name. Amen. 

Read Revelation 22:1-5.

Medicalized Dying: How to Make Wise Decisions for the End of Life

Medicalized Dying: How to Make Wise Decisions for the End of Life

Dear Friends,

This month we tackle a tough but important topic. I had never heard the phrase “medicalized dying” until I began doing an independent study for my D. Min. program on death, dying, and eternal life. But when we think about it, we’ve all witnessed or heard stories of its impact—whether for good or for ill. You may know someone who died in the hospital, even though they wished to die at home. Or you may know someone who died at home with family and friends around them, singing them into glory. As you read this article, I hope you’ll learn some new things and begin to have conversations with your loved ones about wisdom at the end of life. I hope you’ll even consider preparing an advance directive to guide your loved ones. I truly believe that knowing how to think wisely about medicalized dying will benefit you, a family member, or a friend.

Here’s a question for you. Please respond in the comments or by emailing me directly. I’d love to hear.

Share about someone who “died well” from your point of view.

Medicalized Dying

The patient was an emaciated eighty-eight-year-old man whose late-stage cancer had spread to his bones and his brain. When his breathing stopped, a code was called, and a team of medical personnel—doctors, nurses, techs, social workers, and chaplains rushed to his room. Performing their choreographed tasks, they restored his breathing. But in order to do so, they had to insert a breathing tube into his airway, and he had to be placed on a ventilator and moved to the ICU. The team knew it was only a matter of time before his heart stopped again. He was dying. Dr. L. S. Dugdale, the attending physician and author of The Lost Art of Dying, asked the daughter if she would like to have a Do Not Resuscitate order in place so he wouldn’t have to endure the physical trauma of being resuscitated again. The daughter adamantly refused, saying that she was a Christian, and that she believed God would work a miracle. As Dr. Dugdale says, “It seems curious that the people who believe most fervently in divine healing cling most doggedly to the technology of mortals.”[1]

No doubt, many of us are alive today because of post-World-War-II medical advances such as antibiotics, surgery, and chemotherapy. We are grateful for modern medicine. And yet, modern medical advances have led to something doctors and theologians alike refer to as “medicalized death.” “In ‘medicalized’ dying death is regarded as the great enemy to be defeated by the greater powers of science and medicine.”[2]  A variety of life-sustaining measures such as CPR, dialysis, ventilators, artificial nutrition, and more, exist. In order to “glorify God in our bodies” (see 1 Cor. 6:20), we do want to seek and accept medical care which is likely to “maintain or restore health” by “ordinary means.”[3] At the same time, we recognize that “God’s Word…[makes] it possible to decline or discontinue life-sustaining treatment,” at the end of life.[4]

While we can make biblically and prayerfully informed decisions about which life-sustaining treatments to accept at the end-of-life, studies show that Christians tend to be far more likely to choose aggressive medical measures at the end of life than non-Christians. When we take the time in advance of crisis to educate ourselves about such measures and to understand the biblical principles which guide us, we will be better prepared to make wise and loving decisions in difficult moments. As we consider prayerfully what it looks like to glorify God at the end of life and what quality of spiritual life we want to enjoy, we can make advance directives that guide our loved ones about our wishes and bring them peace in painful moments.

Aggressive Measures at the End-of-Life: What We Need to Know

One thing we need to know about aggressive measures at the end of life is that TV does not portray them accurately. Consider TV CPR. On TV, the monitor shows that the heart has stopped, a code is called, people rush in, someone yells “Clear!” the heart is shocked, and the rhythm returns. By the end of the episode the patient is well and leaves the hospital. In reality, ribs are often fractured, blood is often spilled, the patient is always placed on a ventilator and moved to ICU, and only ten percent of hospital patients recover after CPR.[5]. This does not mean that we should never allow CPR; it does mean that a person near the end of life and/or with a terminal illness should pray about whether or not to have a Do Not Resuscitate order.

In the same way, mechanical ventilators, which “support breathing in the setting of respiratory failure,” dialysis, which “replaces kidney function, most commonly by filtering blood through a machine,” artificially administered nutrition, which is delivered “through tubes entering our gastrointestinal tract” or “via catheters placed in large veins,”[6] among other medical measures, are complex and need to be considered carefully at the end of life. While they may have much to offer a relatively healthy patient to restore health, they may act only to prolong death in a dying person. For this reason, we need to approach them prayerfully, armed with biblical principles. As Dr. Kathryn Butler explains, “Our path requires careful review of the factors influencing survival and reflection upon Scripture to do as God requires: ‘to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God’ (Mic. 6:8). In short, we need to determine when to press on and when to relax into the embrace of our Lord.”[7]

Biblical Principles Concerning End-of-Life Measures

After educating ourselves about end-of-life measures, we can use biblical principles to guide us as we consider the options. In her book, Between Life and Death: A Gospel-Centered Guide to End-of-Life Medical Care, Dr. Butler recommends considering four biblical principles:

1. Sanctity of Life

The Lord who created male and female in his image (Gen. 1:26), the Lord who “gives to all mankind life and breath and everything” (Acts 17:25), has written dignity into the very being and body of every human.

2. God’s authority over life and death

God rules over the life and death of something as ordinary as a sparrow (Matt. 10:29), and God rules over the life and death of his creation. When considering which measures to accept or refuse at the end of life, we must remember, “Sanctity of life does not refute the certainty of death.”[8]

3. Mercy and Compassion

We should be guided by compassion for the person at the end of life and should seek to bring comfort without inflicting further suffering. A compassionate approach takes into account a person’s wishes for the ability to connect with God and with others.

4. Hope in Christ

Because Christ has defeated death, and because we have the hope of resurrection (1 Cor. 15:52-55), we need not fear death but can anticipate the day of our homecoming.

In his book, Departing in Peace: Biblical Decision-Making at the End of Life, Dr. Bill Davis, philosophy professor, discusses over thirty biblical principles that help to guide us in a wide variety of end-of-life decisions.

Quality of Life Considerations

Armed with sound biblical principles, we can also consider the implications of choices we make at the end of life.

Hospital or Home

Many aggressive end-of-life measures require being in the hospital, often in the ICU, where limitations are placed on visits from family and friends. For this reason, the person is often isolated in their final days and moments. A 2017 Kaiser Family Foundation study showed that 71 percent of Americans would prefer to die at home.[9] If remaining at home with family and friends is our desire for the end of life, we need to know which measures would allow us to do so.

Financial Considerations

Although we struggle to accept this reality in America, the cost of some treatments can be prohibitive. Dr. Davis makes some excellent points about our responsibility to pay for treatments we choose and to take into account stewardship of our finances, particularly as it concerns end-of-life measures. Consider, for example, a woman who had already been through rounds of chemotherapy to survive breast cancer. Years later, when she was diagnosed with late-stage pancreatic cancer, the doctors gave her little hope for survival. They recommended a costly experimental chemotherapy, saying it might add two months to her life expectancy of five months. The woman didn’t wish to spend her remaining time suffering the effects of the chemotherapy, and she didn’t want to spend her children’s inheritance on something that gave her so little extra time. Yet, many Christians were advising her that she must try the chemotherapy. Dr. Davis encouraged her with this biblical principle: “God’s Word requires us to make faithful use of all our talents, opportunities, and resources: time, energy, attention, and money.”[10] For this reason, and because “earthly life is not the highest good,”[11] this woman could reasonably decline the costly chemotherapy.

Spiritual Quality of Life

It is not only okay, but it is good to take into account our desires for a spiritual quality of life at the end of life. As we prepare our advance directives, we will want to ask questions like, “Will this option allow me to take in the ordinary means of grace—prayer, fellowship, communion, meditating on God’s Word?” In considering end-of-life stewardship of our bodies and our resources, we should ask not only, “What do I want?” but also “How will this option allow me to receive God’s love and continue to glorify God?” In making spiritual quality of life a goal for the end of life, we will demonstrate to others that whether we live or we die, our chief end is to enjoy and glorify God.

Dear friends, it is not easy to think about the end of our lives, but it is wise, and it is kind. Decisions about end-of-life medical options fall to our loved ones 50 percent of the time.[12] Let us faithfully steward the good gift of our bodies by learning more about medicalized dying and deciding how to wisely employ medical measures far in advance of crisis.

What about you? Have you ever heard the phrase “medicalized dying”? What experiences with the death of a loved one and end-of-life measures have you had? How have they made you think about what you would want at the end of your life? (Please share any or all thoughts in the comments or by emailing me directly. We’d all benefit from hearing your experience and thoughts.)

Elizabeth Reynolds Turnage is an author, life and legacy coach, and speaker who helps you live, prepare, and share your practical and spiritual legacy.

A Prayer about Wisdom for Caregivers

A Prayer about Wisdom for Caregivers

For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. Proverbs 2:6

 

Wise and Gracious Lord,

Thank you for the wisdom you give 

for all of life’s hard stories and tough decisions. 

Today we think of our caregiving friends, 

who face weighty decisions daily 

concerning their loved ones’ care. 

Which medicine to try, 

how to get their loved one to comply with doctor’s orders, 

whether to take the car keys or not, 

how long to continue trying new treatments….

the list goes on and on. 

We pray for them, 

that they would hear you answering their prayers, 

perhaps in the form of helpful and wise counselors 

who have been there before them 

or in the form of gentle and kind social workers 

who understand the situation. 

We pray that you would deploy us 

as answers to their prayers, 

simply by offering respite 

or picking up mail while they’re at the hospital, 

or performing a simple task 

like walking the dog or delivering a meal. 

We pray that you would show them 

your deep compassion and forgiveness, 

especially if they are feeling a sense of failing their loved ones. 

Lord, in their hard caregiving days, 

may they truly know the rest and kindness of Jesus, 

our constant and caring companion.

Amen.

Read Proverbs 2:6; Psalm 91:1, 16; Isaiah 25:6-8; Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

 

A Prayer about Coming Alongside Caregivers

A Prayer about Coming Alongside Caregivers

….four men arrived carrying a paralyzed man on a mat. They couldn’t bring him to Jesus because of the crowd, so they dug a hole through the roof above his head. Then they lowered the man on the mat, right down in front of Jesus.

Mark 2:4.

Gentle Jesus,

Bring to mind the people we know 

who are acting as caregivers to the sick or disabled in this season. 

They often find themselves 

paralyzed with guilt or grief, 

with confusion and exhaustion. 

Show us how we can be like the four friends to them, 

laying them on the mat 

and breaking through barriers 

to bring them before you. 

May we serve them in practical ways, 

cooking meals and doing yard work, 

helping them navigate the insurance maze, 

staying with their loved one 

so they can make doctor’s appointments 

or go for a walk. 

May we serve them 

by listening to them,

by encouraging them to lament,

and by praying for and with them 

when they can’t find the words to pray. 

Help us, Lord, to have the faith and kindness 

of the paralytic’s mat-friends 

to bring our caregiving friends before you 

to ask you to heal and help them. 

In your caring name. Amen.

Read Mark 2:1-5. 

A Prayer about Caring for the Mentally Ill

A Prayer about Caring for the Mentally Ill

Comforting Father,

We lift up all who are affected by mental illness. 

Sadly, because of our ignorance about mental illness, 

many of the mentally ill suffer “secondary wounds.” 

Both the afflicted and their families have suffered

quick-fix by faith cures, 

condemnation of behavior, 

or exile from the body. 

As we look to our Lord Jesus, 

who came alongside the mentally afflicted 

and often healed but always cared, 

make us more like him. 

Help us to be sensitive, 

to consider the context of suffering, 

to listen well, 

to remember the hope we have to offer—

the incarnate, resurrected, and ascended Christ 

will one day come again 

to redeem and restore all broken bodies. 

How we ache for that day.

In Christ’s restoring name. Amen. 

Read 1 Peter 5:10; Matthew 11:28-30; Matthew 4:24; Romans 15:13. 

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