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Parenting Your Child’s Story: A Family Metanarrative

by | Oct 11, 2011 | Learning Story

what ways does your child add beauty to this world?

Yesterday I admitted that we don’t really have a mission statement as a family. Instead, we have a — surprise, surprise, story. It’s a story big enough to undergird all of our being and doing as a family. It’s a story that can be tailored for each individual and that works even when we don’t. It’s called the gospel, God’s Story of Grace, or redemptive history, by some.

And you may be (rightly) thinking — how does that story help me figure out how to potty-train our 3-year-old or to pay the medical bills racked up by our daughter’s unplanned-for bout with pneumonia? Good point. It’s not really a ‘how-to’ story, but it doesn’t mean it can’t help us as parents.

Let’s start with the first part of the story and maybe it will give us some ideas.

Creation:Genesis 1-2 You (child) are created in the image of God — that means you have incredible dignity and worth (so why would you want to wear that dirty diaper? (just kidding — sort of). Furthermore, you have a calling and a purpose — to steward the earth, to be fruitful and multiply — to add beauty (which means you should take the time to use the toilet:). What do I want my children to be when they grow up? Men and women who know their dignity and refuse to being defined or demeaned by anyone because they know their Creator delights in them. Women and men who labor with others to bring beauty to any spot on this earth they may stand today. People who know they have unique, extra-ordinary gifts and are called to bless this world with them because they have been blessed by God.

Now you tell me — can just that one part of the story (three more to come) help you in any way with any of your current challenges as parents?

Knowing Your Family’s Mission

by | Oct 10, 2011 | Learning Story

I always wanted our children to love all the children of the world!

If you missed the first installment, I’m doing a short series on “Parenting Your Child’s Story.” Today we’re thinking about goals, vision, mission. That begins with a question that can be stated several ways.

What do you want for your children? (What do you want them to ‘be’ when they grow up? (Stop and think about it before reading on.)
In preparing last week’s talk, I discovered a blog on the New York Times website that stated,
“The goal of parenting is simple — to raise happy, healthy, well-adjusted kids.”

That really made me stop and think — I had just been praying protection for our daughter’s health as she studies for 9 weeks in India. Of course I want happy, healthy, well-adjusted kids.
But then I realized that with four children on any given day, one of them will be unhappy, one of them might be unhealthy, and another may feel ill-adjusted. What does “well-adjusted” mean anyway? At least for me, I can’t use that goal of parenting because I would feel like a failure everyday.

Your mission also must fit your unique family story. So what is your family like? If you have four children, it’s probably not very useful to try to do everything just the way your next-door neighbor with one child does it, even if you wish you could. A single-parent home will raise children differently than a two-parent home, needing others from the community to help more. A two-parent home where both parents work 10-hour jobs is going to look different than one where one stays home. So PLEASE, parents, can we stop comparing and contrasting ourselves favorably or unfavorably with others and join together in our God-created mission?

Here are a few other thoughts about how to create a vision statement, mission statement, and goals.
The vision statement is usually a description of what you see, so it’s stated with nouns and adjectives:
“happy, healthy, well-adjusted children” is a vision.
“wise, compassionate, kingdom servants” is another example.
What’s yours?

The mission statement tells how you will accomplish the vision. This is where your unique family story comes in.
“by educating them in the best private schools, by being involved in the local church, by teaching them Scripture, having family meals, playing sports etc etc…those are just a few of the many ways we accomplish the mission statement.

One last thought — the most important thing we must know as parents is our own mission. What do you see as your life calling and purpose? What do you value? What story forms the center of your life? How do you view yourself? How do you view God? The answers to these questions are what our children are most likely to ‘catch’ and live.

Want to do some specific work on your mission statement? Check out the Simple Mom blog that will guide you through it.

Parenting Your Child’s Story 1: Why?

by | Oct 7, 2011 | Learning Story

Does your child need a big story?

I’m so looking forward to the “Lunch and Learn” time today with some great EDS parents who are always seeking to grow. We’ll be doing a quick survey of a one-day seminar I lead, called “Parenting Your Child’s Story.” Since several people have asked me what that’s all about, let me give you a brief overview.

We need all of the parenting tips and tricks and insights and wisdom we can get. When my babies were young, I tried all of them, especially the ones related to getting them to sleep and some of them actually worked. But one thing I didn’t spend much time on when they were young was thinking about “what I wanted them to be when they grew up.” First of all, I couldn’t see far enough into the future to think they would grow up. Secondly, all I cared about was that my almost-three-year-old would be potty trained in time to go to preschool in the fall. (Okay, I cared about more than that – I also wanted him to quit hitting his sister.) The point is, at all stages of parenting, it’s easy to get lost in the nitty-gritty of the daily ins and outs and forget the big picture. Parenting Your Child’s Story is about taking some time to think and pray about that big picture.

The first thing to ask ourselves is, “Is there a bigger story than my child or my family?” I often struggle to see the forest for the trees – that is, I am so busy attending to the make-it-or-break-it moments of parenting (keeping my child from throwing a tantrum in the grocery store; not making a scene when I say good-bye to them at college). In what I have always called, “the ongoing pursuit of the ever-elusive-mother-of-the-year award,” I often forget the big picture. I have learned the hard way — when my child or my parenting becomes the center of the story, I’m in trouble. I begin to give extra pieces of candy (or extra time added to curfew – the stakes always increase) for the simple reason that I want to be liked. Or I create limitations to “protect” them because I really don’t want to deal with the stomach turbulence I will experience if my 5-year-old goes to the beach with a friend, or my 20-year-old travels to India to study abroad. There must be a story bigger than us.

And I just realized this is going to be more than one blog. Stay tuned for more on that bigger story next week. Meanwhile, what about you? What do you want your children to be like — next year or in 20 years? What daily struggles cause you to forget the big picture? How do you think having a big story for them might help you in the daily struggles? (No, these aren’t rhetorical questions:) I’d love comments.)

Why Story Feast?

by | Oct 4, 2011 | Learning Story, Writing

One of my favorite parts about the Living Story Bible study series is the story feast; one of my biggest concerns about story feast is that people will skip it because they think it is somehow unimportant or not a ‘real’ study week since we don’t have a passage of Scripture to engage. It is true, story feasting is not work — it’s play. It’s God’s play. It’s a set-aside time — a ritual — to remember the goodness of what he’s done.

Story Feasts are what people have done for centuries — gathering together in community over good food to tell good stories. But they are different — because few of us take the time anymore to feast intentionally. Listen to what Dan Allender says, and try it yourself. For more on story feasting, check out Learning God’s Story of Grace.

Stories are food for friends to feast on together. We are called to write, and then rewrite. But we also are called to tell our  stories to people who love us, people who will celebrate our lives. We need people who will ponder our stories and help us write with more integrity and depth, but we need more than feedback; we need celebration.

I need my friends to laugh and also to weep with me. I will never write the stories that reveal my name, let alone transform my name, unless I am in a community that loves, celebrates, and feasts in the midst of our shared stories.” Dan Allender, To Be Told

Get your FREE GUIDE to How to Have a Summer Story Feast. 

Restoration Projects and Worship with Mark Helprin

by | Oct 3, 2011 | Learning Story

Author Mark Helprin writes a story about a man who experiences worship of the Creator  anew as he partakes in a spectacular renovation.  In the story, “Monday,” a contractor accepts the job of restoring an old New York City apartment for the widow of a man killed in the South Tower on September 11, 2001.  Without her knowledge, the contractor decides to do the work for free, and a remarkable work of art is created as his laborers join with him in this self-sacrificial gift.  Helprin describes the restoration project:

“The work itself became the object and never in their lives had they done better.  Never had the walls been straighter or smoother, never had the plaster been whiter, never had the wood been closer joined, never had the joints been tighter, the colors more intense, the proportions more artful….when they fitted it all in…the men kept on saying, “Look at that!  Look at that!” because nowhere in New York or perhaps anywhere was there a better job….This was repeated in the rosewood paneling, in limestone baseboards, in nickel, marble, granite, and unobtrusive plaster molding that physics said could not be whiter, purer, or more like snow in bright sun.  It was apparent in the ironwork, brasswork, and glazing.  The solid walnut doors were two and a half inches thick, with the same brass hardware and hinges as in the White House, and they closed more smoothly and quietly than the doors of a Rolls-Royce.  (Mark Helprin, “Monday,” in The Pacific and Other Stories, 2004).

The contractor, as he watches this marvelous transformation, understands worship in a way that he never had as he attended Mass:

The mass existed, in his perhaps heretical view, to keep, encourage, and sustain a sense of holiness, and to hold open the channels to grace that, with age and discouragement, tend to close.  Witness to those who had little sacrificing what they had, to their children contributing to the work in their way, and to the fathers’ pride in this, Fitch felt the divine presence as he had not since the height of his youth.  (Helprin, 68)

For reflection: When has God’s creation caused you to respond with a gut-punching, breath-taking worship, the kind where you grab your friend or a stranger by the arm and say, “Look at that!  Look at that!” (And remember, as this story suggests, it need not be something from the environmental world, it could be a work of art, music, sports just as easily as a sunset, a shark, or a storm)

Take Five to Sing Amazing Grace

by | Oct 1, 2011 | Learning Story

I don’t remember how I discovered Page CXVI. I do remember that I bought one of their hymn CD’s, then after listening to it fully, bought the other two. It even passed Robert’s music test (he is very particular about Christian music, insisting it must contain more than the same chords played over and over and over:). So I was thrilled to hear they have a new album coming out, and this morning had the chance to listen. I know it’s a busy Saturday, but if you’re reading this, you have 5 minutes to mess around:). Click, close your eyes and listen. And remember it’s not just any old amazing grace. And let this get stuck in your head for the rest of the day:

I will sing to you this song of thanks

For giving me abundant grace

You broke the stones around my heart

In you I been redeemed.

Hymns IV by PageCXVI