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Living like We’re Dying

by | Aug 31, 2023 | aging, dying, and death, legacy, life and legacy coaching

Living like We’re Dying

Hi Friends,

Coming to you today with a tough subject — how to prepare for death. And yet, one I believe many people want to know more about but are afraid to ask. If that’s you, I hope this gives some encouragement and guidance. (And I’d love to know…what are the questions you have about “Living like we’re dying”?)

Beyond the country song…

We’ve all heard the familiar encouragement to “Live like we’re dying,” perhaps even singing out the lyrics to Tim McGraw’s poignant country song. It’s all well and good to sing along to a country song, but to actually live as if we’re dying is much much harder, as the late Pastor Tim Keller discovered. He had already written a book on death and was writing a book on the resurrection when he was faced with the diagnosis of incurable pancreatic cancer. Asked about his terminal diagnosis, he said, “Basically, we all function as if we’re going to live forever…. We are in deep, deep denial about it. And the only way you know that is when you finally actually do get the kind of diagnosis that you may die within months or weeks that I did and you suddenly realize, ‘I didn’t really believe I was going to die. I really didn’t.’” 1. 

 As Pastor Keller faced the certainty of his imminent death, he discovered an unexpected spiritual blessing. When we realize our mortality, we recognize the power in the hope of resurrection. Furthermore, when we realize our mortality, we recognize the need to prepare for it. In preparing for our own inevitable death, we not only benefit spiritually but also find emotional comfort. Preparing for death also benefits our loved ones by giving them clarity and guidance in the midst of their grief. While the process of preparing for our own deaths is far more complex than a simple list can convey, we have to start somewhere. We can begin by focusing on four key areas: contemplating the hope of heaven, establishing our practical legacy, cultivating and sharing our spiritual legacy, and being intentional about our emotional legacy.

1. Prepare spiritually by contemplating the hope of heaven.

Many of us fear death, and that shouldn’t surprise us. Scripture tells us we’ve all been “held in slavery by [our] fear of death” (Hebrews 2:15). But Jesus came and died to “break the power of him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil…” (Hebrews 2:14). Therefore, we have hope. Jesus has defeated our last enemy, death, giving us the hope of heaven.

Sadly, too many of us are misinformed about heaven. Our imaginations have been stuffed with cartoons of St. Peter standing at the “pearly gates” with a clipboard; we have been sent greeting cards of people floating around on clouds with angel wings. It is little wonder that some people fear being bored in heaven and don’t really want to go there. 

We don’t know many details about heaven, but we do know enough to make us long to be there. First, we will be welcomed with great joy by our Savior, Jesus. We will be so overcome by the glory of the Triune God we will fall down in worship (Rev. 7:10-12). We will recognize loved ones there (see Matt. 17:1-3; Luke 16:19-31), and our surroundings will be “Paradise” (see Luke 23:43). In heaven, we will find the perfect rest we crave, rest for our bodies and rest for our souls. One day, the intermediate state of heaven will give way to the grand finale, the ending that is our truest beginning, life in the new heavens and new earth. In the new heavens and new earth, “Death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain.” (Rev. 21:5). It was the anticipated joy of heaven that led Pastor Tim Keller to say to his family the evening before his death, “I’m ready to see Jesus. I can’t wait to see Jesus. Send me home.” 2 

 

2. Prepare by establishing a practical legacy.

While some refer to it as “setting our affairs in order,” I prefer to call it a “practical legacy.” It involves organizing our end-of-life wishes, financial information, digital legacy, and essential documents, all of which serve as a practical gift to those who will handle the final details of our lives even as they grieve.

At the minimum, we should gather what I call the “first four”: our will, advance directive, durable power of attorney, and passwords. After gathering these four things, we can focus on getting other important documents and financial information together. Ideally, we will gather these things into one safe and secure place. Communicating with our loved ones about what we’ve gathered and where to find it is an important part of this process. When you gather these essentials now, you save your loved ones the heartache of having to ask you to do it when you are all in the turmoil of a significant health crisis.

For more information about gathering your practical legacy and/or for assistance in doing this, join the waiting list for our next Organizing Your Life and Legacy workshop here.

 

3. Prepare by cultivating and sharing your spiritual legacy.

In Psalm 78, Asaph called the Israelites to remember and tell the wonders God had done in the wilderness so future generations would grow in faith and hope and love. In short, he encouraged them to pass on their spiritual legacy. As we share our stories, lessons, wisdom, and experience, we have the opportunity to show God’s merciful and mighty redemptive work in our lives.

To share parts of her story, my mother used a booklet called the Obitkit, in which she answered simple questions about her life. Surprisingly, even the simplest of questions revealed new insights into my mother’s story. Asked about her best subject in school, my mother responded, “Almost every subject, except PE, which kept me from getting valedictorian.” While I had always known my mother was smart, I had never realized her lack of athletic prowess prevented her from getting valedictorian. As you think about sharing your spiritual legacy, remember that even seemingly simple stories can give new insights into how God has shaped you. 

In addition to passing on stories, we can share skills, family history, and blessings. Consider your specific skills or expertise that will benefit others— how to make that famous Texas sheet cake, how to drive on ice, how to pack for a long vacation. Share family history, knowing that the next generation may not seem interested now but will likely become interested after you’re gone. Preserve your family’s heritage by passing on photographs and stories. In addition, write or speak blessings to others. Like Isaac blessing Jacob, affirm the unique qualities and gifts of family members, leaving them with words that honor their God-given identity.

4. Prepare by being intentional about your emotional legacy.

In his book The Four Things That Matter Most, Dr. Ira Byock, a palliative care physician, provides recommendations for fostering meaningful relationships at the end of life: “Please forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you.” 3 

In the final chapter of the book, Byock adds a fifth task, saying goodbye. By attending to these tasks before we approach the end of life, we can create an emotional legacy that brings comfort, peace, and hope to our loved ones. 

 Following the example of Jesus, who bid farewell to his disciples before his death in the Upper Room Discourse (John 13-17), we can express our love to family and friends and be intentional about saying good-bye. We can reassure our loved ones with our confidence that we are going to the place prepared for us by Christ. As forgiven individuals, we can ask for forgiveness from others and extend our own forgiveness, understanding that forgiveness does not minimize harm but releases our desire to make others pay. As people who have much to be grateful for, we can express gratitude to our loved ones through letters, calls, texts, or hugs.

Live like you’re dying

Martin Luther, 16th century pastor and theologian, spoke frequently about preparing for death. Though he didn’t use the words “Live like you’re dying,” he advised people to prepare to die while they were still healthy. Doing so, he said, would allow them to focus on their Savior when the end approached. While advances in medicine and practices around dying make death seem more remote from us, death remains non-negotiable. We will die; the only question is when. When we begin preparing for death now, we will find peace and hope in the gospel and we will leave a lasting legacy that comforts, guides, and inspires future generations. 

Friends, I hope this article has encouraged you in hard places. I’d love to know about your struggles and successes in “living like you’re dying”…what hard things have you done or have you seen others do to prepare for death?

 

1. Tyler Huckabee, “Tim Keller on Facing Death (and Resurrection),” RELEVANT, March 2, 2021, https://relevantmagazine.com/magazine/tim-keller-on-facing-death-and-resurrection/.

 

2. Tim Keller, Quoted by his son, Michael Keller on Twitter, May 19, 2023. 

 

3. Ira Byock, The Four Things That Matter Most – 10th Anniversary Edition: A Book About Living(New York: Free Press, 2004), 7.

A Gospel Legacy

by | Aug 31, 2023 | aging, dying, and death, Death and Resurrection, legacy

A Gospel Legacy

A Living Legacy

At ninety-something, Mrs. Sarah surely knows her days in this world are numbered. Each week I watch the frail figure with snowy white hair as she slowly, painfully, wobbles her way to her seat on the second row. Though she can no longer stand for the singing of hymns and the praying of the Lord’s prayer, she sits faithfully, a living legacy of love of the church and love of God’s word. 

When I first met Mrs. Sarah in a Bible study I was leading, her knowledge of Scripture and her clear love of the words on the well-worn pages of her Bible utterly humbled me. She told us a story of when Bible reading became more than a duty: After World War II, she was forced to return to school to finish her teaching certificate to help support her family. Doing so meant living three hours away from her husband and two small children. She told us, “I cried myself to sleep every night with the Psalms.” Without ever meaning to or thinking about it, Mrs. Sarah has lived a gospel legacy, a legacy of the “good news about Jesus Christ.” She did so not by writing books or leading corporations or earning world records but by simple, daily acts of faithfulness

Mrs. Sarah inspires me to ask, “How do we live the gospel legacy we want to leave?” I’ll offer ten gospel habits, some I believe essential, others non-essential, but no less significant. I’m sure you can think of many more. Please share ways you’ve seen others live a gospel legacy or ways God has called you to live the legacy you want to leave. 

1. Oxygenate with Scripture.

I borrow this concept from Dane Ortlund, who writes, “Scripture is not an ancillary benefit for a life otherwise well ordered, in need of a little extra boost. Scripture is shaping and fueling and oxygenating. It is vital. Jesus prayed, ‘Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth” 1 (John 17:17). Scripture will not only prepare us for suffering but it will be our very near nourishment for all the days of our life. As we breathe in this air, we will exude the “aroma of heaven.” 2

2. Be still and listen to the triune God: God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit (Psalm 46:10).

As we age, we may find ourselves surrounded by silence, the silence of an empty home or apartment, the silence left by friends and family gone to be with the Lord, the silence of days no longer filled with work deadlines and lunch dates. Instead of filling that silence with the clanging gongs of 24-hour news or the numbing noise of social media, let’s sit in the silence and invite the Holy Spirit to speak to our hearts. As we do, we will hear our Father singing his love over us (Zephaniah 3:17), we will hear the Son praying for us to draw near to God (Hebrews 7:25) and the Spirit groaning with and for us (Romans 8:26-27). A stillness of soul speaks volumes to those who live in a world whose days are “filled with busy rushing” (Psalm 39:6).

3. Pray.

If physical limitations prevent you from teaching VBS or preparing meals for the sick, pray. If doctor’s appointments, for yourself or for a loved one, prevent you from attending Bible study or your grandchild’s play, pray. If you are grieving the loss of many of your peers to dementia or death, pray. As you pray, believe that God hears your prayers and works mightily through them, because he does (James 5:16). If you are able, let some of the people you are praying for know how you are praying. 

4. Engage in church.

In Christ, we were re-created to be contributing members of his body, the church (1 Corinthians 12:12-27). Because Mrs. Sarah made the effort to attend Bible study, I received the much-needed reminder that no matter how much I thought I had learned in seminary, I had far more to learn from one who spent a lifetime oxygenating with Scripture and prayer. While physical limitations may hinder our efforts to be present in the body, we must seek to engage intentionally, through prayer, through cards and emails, through invitations to be visited if we are the “shut-ins.” We must remember how much we have to offer, because whether we are the big toe or the pinky finger of the body, we are still very much an essential part. 

5. Ask forgiveness and extend forgiveness.

C. S. Lewis points out that often what we ask for and extend is to be “excused.” He defines real forgiveness as “looking steadily at the sin, the sin that is left over without any excuse…and seeing it in all its horror, dirt, meanness, and malice, and nevertheless being wholly reconciled to the man who has done it.” 3 That is what God has given us in Jesus Christ, real forgiveness. As we mentioned last month, forgiving and extending forgiveness are crucial end-of-life tasks, but they are made far easier when we make a habit of forgiveness throughout our lifetime. What could be better than to be known as a confessing person, a forgiving person (1 John 1:9; Ephesians 4:32)? What could better prepare us for meeting Christ than the reminder that we are forgiven of our sins because of his sacrifice for us?

6. Thank God and thank someone.

Take five minutes to write or say aloud a list of things you thank God for today, including difficult things (1 Thessalonians 5:18). Then take five minutes to write a note to someone or call them, thanking them for something. Write your daughter and tell her you thank God for how he has made her a beautiful mother. Write your caregiver and tell her thank you for the ways she has cared for you. As Christians, we know that all of the good in our lives is due to the grace of God; this grace leads to gratitude (2 Corinthians 4:15). 

7. Write or record a story of God’s goodness and rescue in your life.

Scripture is one overarching story of redemption: God redeemed a sinful people by sending his own Son, Jesus, to die for our sins and to reconcile us to him. God has written individual and corporate stories of redemption into our lives. Write or record one or several of them. Share them with someone today, and put them in a safe place to be read or heard by others later. 

8. Make a list or write stories of how you’ve seen God change your character over the years.

Were you once given to lying or lusting, cheating or gossiping, manipulating or boasting? Were you once a slave to idols that left you feeding off ashes — family, finances, work, ministry, approval, achievement? Even in places you do not yet have complete freedom, name the struggle with sin and marvel at the sanctifying work God has done. Consider sharing this story of sanctification with another for the purpose of giving hope that God can bring freedom from sin in their lives. 

9. Visit the sick or grieving.

Care for a caregiver. Invite a lonely neighbor or friend to church or to dinner. Think about people in your midst who are the “least and the lost” and show them kindness (Matthew 25:31-46). Send them a meal if you can’t make one. Write a card of encouragement. Remind them that they are not alone, that God sees them and cares for them. 

10. Get your affairs in order.

As an act of loving your neighbor as yourself, commit to not leaving a mess for your children or family or church members. Pray for the courage and discipline to do the will and the advance directive; organize the passwords; corral the financial, medical, and daily details of your life; streamline your “stuff.” In so doing, you instruct your loved ones in preparing for glory, you show that you are fully prepared to move from this world to the next, your true and forever home. 

Dear Friends, a gentle reminder that these gospel habits do not happen by sheer willpower and self-discipline alone. They happen as we prayerfully “work out [our] own salvation with fear and trembling,” fully confident that “it is God who works in [us], both to will and to work for his good pleasure.” (Philippians 2:12-13). 

Before leaving, I urge you to share here or to share with another ways you’ve observed a gospel legacy well-lived that made you desire such a legacy. I urge you to pray that God would work in you to help you adopt new habits that will allow you to live the legacy you want to leave.

Note to all readers: In my Numbering Your Days column, I write monthly on a topic related to aging, caregiving, legacy, and end-of-life. Separately, I send out a free monthly newsletter sharing writing, speaking, and other resources related to aging, caregiving, legacy, and end-of-life. This month’s free newsletter goes out on August 1. If you would like to receive it, along with information about the Numbering Your Days Network I will begin soon, be sure to subscribe by clicking this link: http://eepurl.com/b__teX.

 

1. Dane C. Ortlund, Deeper: Real Change for Real Sinners (Wheaton: Crossway, 2021), 144.

 

2. Ortlund, 157.

 

3. C. S. Lewis, “On Forgiveness,” in The Weight of Glory and Other Essays (United States: HarperCollins, 2009), 134-136.

Why Caregivers Need to Care for Themselves

by | Aug 21, 2023 | Caregiving, legacy, Numbering Our Days

Why Caregivers Need to Care for Themselves

Will You Care for Yourself, Dear Caregiver?

In the lowest point of my caregiving season, my body cried out for help, but I refused to listen. Strands of hair came out in my hands as I washed it. Dark trenches formed under my eyes. Colds came and went like the weather. I skipped regular checkups with my doctor, postponed my colonoscopy, and rescheduled my dental cleaning. In the year our son endured four brain surgeries and my father’s life finally caved to the blows of terminal cancer, my health deteriorated rapidly, and I couldn’t find the energy to care. 

On the other side, years after my dad’s death and the restoration of our son’s health, I see how I endangered my body through my neglect. On the other side of my extreme caregiving season, I am passionate about calling caregivers to care for themselves and urging others to care for caregivers. Caring for oneself as a caregiver is a way to obey the first and second commandments, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength’” and “‘Love your neighbor as yourself’” (Mark 12:30-31). Dear caregiver, you are your neighbor. Dear caregiver, self-care is not selfish. Self-care is kindness to self and obedience to the call of our Savior, “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28).  

The Caregiver’s Dire Situation

According to a 2020 study, there are fifty-three million unpaid caregivers in the U.S., and as the Baby Boomers age, that number is only expected to increase. These fifty-three million caregivers face an endless array of daily tasks, ranging from changing diapers or sheets, feeding and bathing, driving to doctor’s appointments, administering IV antibiotics, and fighting insurance battles. Caregiving has been shown to have all the “features of a chronic stress experience.”1 We should not be surprised that caregivers suffer emotional, psychological, spiritual, and physical effects, including anxiety, depression, fear, grief, guilt, shame, isolation, spiritual doubts, and poor health. When a caregiver has been living in this situation of extreme stress even for a short period of time, she may become unable to see clearly her desperate need for care. 

Some Reasons Caregivers Might Refuse Care

Not only are caregivers often blind to their need for care, they often believe that their self-sacrifice is warranted by Jesus’ call in Luke 9:23: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” Caregivers may believe that sacrificing their emotional, psychological, spiritual, and physical health is an act of obedience to Christ’s call to self-denial. And yet, as author Amie Patrick points out, the call to denying self is not a call to deny that we are human, with “physical and emotional needs—and God-ordained limits.” Patrick shares her story of self-denial, “In particularly stressful seasons, I treated needs like sleep, nutrition, exercise, and emotional refreshment as luxuries for which I didn’t have time. It didn’t occur to me that accepting my God-given limits and actively choosing to receive God’s gifts of rest, food, recreation, and solitude are also acts of worship and obedience.”2

Such denial of human needs and limits could also be, as it was to some extent in my case, a refusal to trust God and a commitment to rely on self. As a young child of divorced parents, I learned to be self-reliant and developed a strong leaning toward independence. I was “strong” and “resilient” and proud of it. In my caregiving season, it was partly that lifelong pattern of independence and self-reliance that kept me from caring well for myself. I did not fully understand what the apostle Paul so wisely taught. He explained that the afflictions he experienced happened “that we might not rely on ourselves but on the God who raises the dead” (2 Corinthians 1:9). As caregivers, we have the opportunity to humble ourselves, crying out to God and to others for the help we desperately need. 

The Help the Caregiver Needs 

When the caregiver does acknowledge her human limits and need of care, where should she start?

First and foremost, because of the alarming statistics about the threats to caregiver health and increased mortality rates,3 the caregiver address the needs of her body. Doing so recognizes her body as the “temple of the Holy Spirit” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). Doing so recognizes that to glorify God in our bodies is to be a good steward of our health. Caregivers need the seemingly impossible: good nutrition, adequate rest, regular exercise and checkups with a doctor. Caregivers need to respect their physical limits and not try to lift or move their loved one unless their bodies are strong. And when caregivers need surgery for an injury or a chronic problem, it is crucial not to delay it. To care well for the body is to heed Jesus’ call to come to him and find rest.

Second, the caregiver needs care for spiritual struggles. It is not uncommon for caregivers to struggle with doubts. They may ask questions like, “Why is my loved one suffering so much,” “Is God punishing us,” or “Does God really care?” Even when the caregiver is not struggling with doubt, he may feel disconnected from God because he has been unable to attend church or is so exhausted he doesn’t feel like praying or reading his Bible.  

Third, the caregiver needs care for her mental and emotional struggles. We have learned enough about veterans returning home from war to provide our soldiers with psychological care for the wounds chronic stress has inflicted. If the caregiver can acknowledge that she is living in a war zone, seeing things that might be traumatic to her (her loved one’s pain or wound, for example), fighting daily to get her loved one appropriate care, suffering anxious hours while her loved one undergoes surgery, then she might seek the care she needs for her mental and emotional well-being. 

How Can We Help?

As the caregiver acknowledges her need, we want to be ready to be the hands and feet of Jesus, part of the answer to her prayer. We can grieve with her, crying out to God over the losses she has experienced. We can point her to the biblical laments. We can encourage her to get the surgery she needs or to see someone trained in helping people who struggle with grief, anxiety, and depression. We can offer respite care to allow her time to go to the doctor, get a good night’s sleep, go to church, attend a caregiver’s support group, or see a counselor. We can validate her spiritual struggles and pray for and with her. We can sit with her while her loved one is in surgery, or we can send a meal afterwards. And mostly, we can pray for the caregiver to be able to receive the help we stand ready to give. 

It is not easy for caregivers to ask for and receive the care they need, but it is possible. It will take the faith to trust God that he cares for their person even more than they do. It will take hope to imagine “a vision of redemption in the midst of decay.”4 It will take knowing how deeply Jesus loves her. And it will take the ears to hear our Lord’s call to the caregiver, “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” 

I’d love to hear your thoughts. If you are a caregiver, what has kept you from taking care of yourself? If you know a caregiver, what do you think has prevented a caregiver from caring for herself?

Announcing the Numbering Your Days Network: an Online Community

If you enjoy the articles I post here, you may also enjoy the new Numbering Your Days Network, coming soon. It is an online gospel-centered community that encourages and equips you for the challenges of aging, caregiving, legacy, and end-of-life. To receive an invitation when it goes live on September 5, sign up at this link. 

Caregiver Resources

Https://www.cdc.gov/aging/caregiving/index.htm offers a number of resources to help caregivers, including ideas for respite care.

CICOA offers this weekly checkup for caregivers, along with other helpful resources. 

Who Cares for You? by Marissa Bondurant. An excellent Bible study for caregivers and caregiver support groups. Learn how Jesus cares for you as you care for others. 

Footnotes

1 Richard Schulz and Paula R. Sherwood, “Physical and Mental Health Effects of Family Caregiving,” The American Journal of Nursing 108, no. 9 Suppl (September 2008): 23–27, https://doi.org/10.1097/01.NAJ.0000336406.45248.4c. 

2 Amie Patrick, “Self-Care and Self-Denial,” The Gospel Coalition, https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/self-care-and-self-denial/

3 According to the CDC, 40.7% of caregivers report having two or more chronic diseases. See Https://www.cdc.gov/aging/caregiving/index.htm.

4 Dan Allender and Tremper Longman, Cry of the Soul (Colorado Springs: Navpress), 1994, 155.

 

 

A Prayer about Respecting the Aged

by | Jul 21, 2023 | aging, dying, and death, Daily Prayer, legacy

A Prayer about Respecting the Aged

Stand up in the presence of the elderly, and show respect for the aged. Fear your God. I am the LORD. 

Leviticus 19:32

Eternal Lord,

We live in a culture that prefers agelessness, 

a culture that strives to remain eternally young. 

We live in an aging culture, 

where we see some who age graciously, 

and others who do not. 

In this season of the silver tsunami, 

may we obey your command 

to respect the aged. 

Forgive us for any harsh words 

spoken to aging parents 

out of frustration and fear—

words uttered out of 

concern about their driving when they shouldn’t,

impatience about their refusal to follow doctor’s orders, 

annoyance about their rejection of our offers of help. 

Replace our fears about their frailty 

with tender concern and honoring respect.

Help us to take the time to listen to their stories, 

asking them to tell us about the seasons of sorrow 

and seasons of joy they’ve endured and enjoyed. 

Help us to honor the wisdom of the aged (Job 12:12) 

and seek out their counsel 

on marriage and finances and work and children. 

Lord, slow us down 

so that we might truly respect the aged 

as you have called us to do.

In Jesus’ respect-full name. Amen.

Read Leviticus 19:32; Timothy 5:1-3; Job 12:12; 1 Timothy 5:8; Proverbs 23:22. 



A Prayer about Living the Legacy We Want to Leave

by | Apr 15, 2023 | Daily Prayer, legacy, Parenting

A Prayer about Living the Legacy We Want to Leave

and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Ephesians 5:2

Heavenly Father, 

In this world, 

the focus of leaving a legacy 

is often on making a name for ourselves. 

We ask you, 

by the mercies of Christ our Lord, 

to help us “walk in the way of love,” 

that we might become “models of goodness” (Titus 2:3, The MSG). 

Help us to throw off the sour smell of self-centeredness, 

to give ourselves up as “a fragrant offering and sacrifice to [you]” (Ephesians 5:2).

Help us to live out our unique giftedness and passions 

in ways that draw others to inhale the fragrance of Christ. 

Draw us to repent quickly when we sin 

and to live lives 

characterized by seeking 

and granting forgiveness. 

Help us to inhale the pure, fresh air 

of our righteousness in Christ 

and to exhale the sweet scent of words 

that build up and encourage others. 

In this way, Lord, 

we will live lives that matter—

to you, and to others. 

In this way, 

we will live the legacy we want to leave.

In Jesus’ loving name. Amen.

Read Ephesians 5:1-2; Titus 2:1-8.

 

If you would like to read more about living the legacy we want to leave, I wrote about this topic recently at Numbering Your Days.

The Aroma of Heaven: Leaving a Legacy that Spreads the Fragrance of Christ

by | Apr 1, 2023 | legacy, life and legacy coaching, Numbering Our Days

The Aroma of Heaven: Leaving a Legacy that Spreads the Fragrance of Christ

Dear Friends,

This month I’m thinking about the type of legacy I want to leave. As I do so, I think about the people in my life who have been an aroma of heaven to me. I’d love to hear from you: who are the people in your life who have left an aroma of heaven? You can leave a comment here.

My Grandmother

She smelled like Tollhouse cookies, Parker house rolls, and Lanvin dusting powder. That was my grandmother’s scent. But her aroma, the legacy she left me, was of a safe and secure place, a place of comfort and rest, a place of hospitality and feasting. It was the aroma of heaven.

Widowed in her early sixties, my grandmother continued teaching fifth grade after my grandfather’s death. When she retired, she became active in the Retired Teacher’s Association. She also served as the president of the Baptist Women’s Association. She cared for her mother, my great-grandmother Mama Mac, in her home until Mama Mac’s death at age ninety.

As a child, I never thought of my grandmother as a widow or as a working grandmother or as an association president or as a caregiver. To me she was just “Grandmom.” She baked tray after tray of Shake ’n Bake and served it up to her two hungry grandchildren with mounds of fresh corn and garden peas and dozens and dozens of her famous rolls. For dessert there were peach parfaits and chocolate cake, Tollhouse cookies and chess pie. She was Grandmom, who kept us for a month every summer and took us to church and Sunday school and VBS and the church library. She was Grandmom, who provided lined paper pads for me to practice my penmanship and all sorts of supplies to play my favorite game, school. She was Grandmom, who fed me, who taught me, who played with me, who created for me a home that smelled like heaven.

Later, when I became a Christian at age fifteen, I knew my grandmother as my kindred spirit, my ally, the one person in my family who read a Bible and went to church and prayed to God above and did “Christian” things. She was the one I could count on to be excited about my growing faith, the one who encouraged me by example, the one who lived as a fragrant offering to Christ.

Now that I am a grandmother, I wonder how my grandmother felt when her only son got divorced after eleven years of marriage. Now I wonder how she felt about her only two grandchildren growing up in a home where the only Bible sat collecting dust on a bookshelf.

My grandmother, grandfather, brother and me, circa 1966,

A Living Sacrifice

Though I don’t know how she felt, given my grandmother’s fierce determination, I can guess what she did. She lifted the incense of prayer to the heavens. She came home after a day of teaching fifth graders and prepared a feast for her grandchildren. She helped her mother wash up for the night and then, though she must have been exhausted herself, made sure her grandchildren got baths before bed. She said prayers over them before collapsing for the night. She became a living sacrifice, and in so doing, “spread the fragrance of the knowledge of him everywhere” (2 Corinthians 2:14). This was my grandmother’s legacy.

I don’t know about you, but this is the kind of legacy I want to leave. In a world in which the focus of leaving a legacy is often on making a name for ourselves, I want to throw off the stench of self-centeredness so that I can spread the fragrant aroma of heaven. How do we become people who leave a legacy that is less about our small stories and more about the One who wrote our stories into his Big Story? We do so by becoming sacrificial offerings, pleasing aromas to God (Ephesians 5:1-2). We do so by living out our unique giftedness and passions in ways that draw others to inhale the fragrance of Christ. We do so by repenting when we sin and by living lives characterized by seeking and granting forgiveness. We do so by exhaling the pure, fresh air of our righteousness in Christ.

Living Our Legacy

We do so by asking God for the power to live the legacy we wish to leave, as each of the following women do.

I know a woman who prays aloud every time she passes a car accident, asking God to heal the broken, comfort the traumatized, and help the rescue workers. Her family and friends learn from her example that prayer is the first, not last, resort in times of crisis.

I know a woman who, at ninety-years-old, still makes it to Bible study most weeks. With trembling hands she turns the tattered pages of her worn leather Bible, finding today’s passage. The women in her group long to love God’s Word as much as she does.

I know a woman who at eighty-two-years-old used to hobble her way through a downtown Atlanta park to attend the monthly service for the homeless held there by her church. When she died, one of the homeless women who had known her for years sent her family a song she had written and performed, honoring this woman’s compassion for the downtrodden.*

I know a woman who still says a four-letter word that starts with s (almost) every time she runs her head into a cabinet or has to come to an abrupt stop in traffic. She blames her cussing on her childhood and neural wiring and prays the word won’t slip out in front of her grandchildren. But when it does, she frankly tells them that Zizi is a sinner and has used her tongue for much worse purposes. She asks their forgiveness and urges them to pray for her to use her tongue wisely and well. She hopes, by God’s grace, that her grandchildren will remember that their grandmother was a sinner, but a forgiven sinner, and that their grandmother’s story will give them hope for their own struggle with sin.

Each of these women is leaving a legacy that spreads the aroma of heaven.

In his book on growing “deeper” into the love of Christ, Pastor Dane Ortlund urges us to “oxygenate” with the Bible, breathing in the steadying and steadfast good news of the gospel. He urges us to “exhale” in prayer, “[speaking] back to God your wonder, your worry, and your waiting.” He encourages us with this hope, “As you do, you will grow. You won’t feel it day to day. But you’ll come to the end of your life a radiant, solid man or woman. And you will have left in your wake the aroma of heaven. You will have blessed the world. Your life will have mattered.”[i]

At my grandmother’s funeral, I delivered the eulogy. I wanted to make sure that everyone knew that my grandmother’s life mattered, not because she won the Teacher of the Year award, not because she cooked delicious yeast rolls, and not even because she was a loving grandmother. My grandmother’s life mattered because she wore the fragrance of Christ, and she left behind the scent of good news. This is the legacy that makes life matter. This is the legacy I hope to leave. What about you?

Who in your life has left the aroma of heaven? How did they do so?

*This woman was my mother.

Note to all readers: In my Numbering Your Days column, I write monthly on a topic related to aging, caregiving, legacy, and end-of-life. Separately, I send out a free monthly newsletter sharing writing, speaking, and other resources related to aging, caregiving, legacy, and end-of-life. This month’s free newsletter goes out on Saturday, April 1. If you would like to receive it, along with my Holy Week devotional, be sure to subscribe by clicking this link: http://eepurl.com/b__teX.

Elizabeth Reynolds Turnage

Elizabeth Reynolds Turnage

Elizabeth is a life and legacy coach who offers gospel-centered wisdom and equipping to help you live, prepare, and share your life and legacy.

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