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8 Ways to Grieve Canceled Milestones

8 Ways to Grieve Canceled Milestones

I haven’t wanted to write about it, because to write about it would force me to face it. I was supposed to attend four graduations in May, four different children graduating from four different grad school programs. All canceled. Actually, one of those was a senior vocal recital we were to attend in place of the graduation. I’ll be honest. It hurt to cross through those events in my calendar. But as much as it hurt me as a mom, my grief is nothing compared to my children’s. As I thought and prayed about this sadness, I did a little research and came up with eight suggestions for grieving canceled milestones with our children.

We can…

    1. Process our own emotions about the losses while recognizing that our children’s feelings may be different. As always, it’s good to begin by examining our own hearts (Psalm 139:23). We can spend time praying and journaling about our sadness over these canceled events. We can also process our feelings with a spouse or good friend or leader. If we’ve thought and prayed through our own emotions, we will be less likely to transfer our emotions to our child.
    2. Help our children name their losses. Instead of trying to brush aside our child’s grief by saying, “Let’s go out for ice cream,” (my personal favorite, as my kids will tell you), or, in other cases, “Let’s buy you a new car”, we can gently invite them to discuss their feelings, knowing they may turn down our invitation. We might try questions like, “What are some of the things you were looking forward to about graduation?” Or, “What canceled events are you missing the most?”

As they answer, we can listen attentively, as attentively as our Lord listens to our sorrows. As we listen, we need to avoid the temptation to “fix.” We can acknowledge that our child’s sadness is legitimate by pointing them to the God who keeps track of all our sorrows (Psalm 56:8).

 

  1. Encourage our children to stay connected socially. From the beginning, God created us to be social creatures, connected with one another. Our child may need to be more intentional to enjoy community with their peers—making plans to virtually meet with friends to watch a movie or to have youth group or to play games or to talk one on one. We as parents can encourage them and make opportunities for them to connect with people their own age who are experiencing similar losses.

 

  1. Recognize that moving back home is a grieve-worthy transition for our college and graduate students. If our adult child has moved away from home for school, they have begun the process of separating from parents. Now they are expected to acclimate to their home again in the midst of multiple losses. Knowing they are going through a hard transition can help us be more kind and compassionate (Ephesians 4:2).

 

  1. Recognize that people process grief differently and allow them to do so. One child may be grieving a canceled soccer tournament more intensely than another child is grieving her high school graduation. We can help by allowing for the differences in the way God created us and the varying maturities of our children. This may be a good time to make our children aware of some of the many lamentations in Scripture (Try Psalm 77 or 69 for starters).

 

  1. Thank God for the good things in the present and the future. This is a good season to help our child develop a heart of gratitude in the midst of suffering.We can enter in, not denying or minimizing loss, but helping them to search for the redeeming work God might be doing in the midst of their disappointment. In 2 Corinthians 4, the apostle Paul begins by naming his suffering but ends by celebrating the way his losses are leading more and more people to discover God’s grace and more and more people to thank God for his goodness (2 Cor. 4:15).

 

  1. Avoid making promises we can’t keep. We’ve never been more aware of our powerlessness to control circumstances. Even now, as some states re-open, they may end up being closed again. But we can submit our plans to the Lord and pray that he will give us opportunities to celebrate at the right time.

 

  1. Help our child plan a virtual celebration they can enjoy now and/or a social celebration they can enjoy later. They may object that “it won’t be the same.” We can acknowledge that reality while emphasizing the importance of marking all of the good that God has done in bringing them to this place (Psalm 145:7).

Dear friends, one thing is for sure—you and your children are not alone in grieving the loss of plans and dreams in this season. Bring that grief to the Lord, and trust him to sow the seeds of your tears and bring a harvest of joy in due time.

I’d love to know what you’re missing these days, or how you’re celebrating canceled milestones. Please share in the comments, or shoot me an email!

Parenting Goals: Should We Have Them?

Parenting Goals: Should We Have Them?

Parenting Goals: What do you think?

Do you think parents should have goals and plans? If so, what kind?

When I venture to write about parenting, I always do so tremulously. Yes, I am the mother of four adult children, ages 30 to 24, mother-in-law to three. And yes, they are pretty awesome kids. But my husband and I (and my children, I’m sure) agree—their awesomeness is not the product of our parenting expertise, of which we have some, but not enough. They have grown and matured and become the wondrous creatures they are only by the grace of God.

That being said, even as God has grown our children, he has redeemed and matured us as parents over the past thirty years. Since this month’s blog theme is Planning and Goals, I decided to revisit our parenting goals or lack thereof.

The Early Years: My Top 5 Unstated Parenting Goals

The truth is, I’ve never been much on writing down my parenting goals. I think we may have done it once when our eldest was a colicky six-month-old, when the gracious grandparents offered to keep him so we could go to a Family Life conference. I think there was a workbook, and I think there was a place for parenting goals? (As you can see, the postpartum amnestic effect took its toll!).

By the time our second child came along twenty-one months later, I had neither time nor energy to write formal parenting goals. That is not to say that I didn’t, at some level, have them. So here it is…

My Previously Unstated Parenting Goals

  1. To survive.
  2. To have the ideal family.
  3. To win the “mother-of-the-year” award.
  4. To raise kids just like us.
  5. To “just get them out.” (All four of my children were 8-14 days overdue;-)!

As my children grew, and as God grew me, I believe some truer goals/desires/prayers emerged, although again, I don’t recall writing them down.

The Later Years: My Top Five List of Mostly Unstated Parenting Goals

  1. Remember that God loves me even when I’m a “failure” as a mom.

Before I became a mom, I taught English to junior high and high school students. I loved teaching, and I was mostly good at it (according to my superiors, students, and [most of] their parents). When I brought that first baby home, my competence and confidence evaporated. (Maybe I pushed them out along with the baby in my 33-hour Pitocin-induction labor?)

Some of my parenting ‘fails’ make me laugh now. I didn’t know what happened when you changed a boys’ diaper. One time a second-grade teacher sent me a note requesting that I pack a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in my child’s lunch instead of peanut butter and crackers (This was in the days when peanut butter was not verboten.) And so on.

Although my parenting ‘fails’ make me laugh, my parenting sins make me weep. I lost my temper, I yelled, I guilted them, and I whined. And that’s just the beginning. Frequently. It hurt. Them and me. I wanted to be a perfect mom—always kind and patient and nurturing. Hope came as I learned I could not make God love me less. Rest came as I trusted in Christ’s righteousness, not my performance as the core of my identity.

Do you know what your unstated goals of parenting are? Here were some of mine. #parenting Share on X

  1. Ask forgiveness. Repent quickly.

This second goal is a corollary to the first.

I’m not sure how any parent survives the guilt and shame of failing our children if we do not believe that Christ freed us from our sins and God has forgiven us in Christ.

So I learned to say I was sorry. To God and to my children. I didn’t/don’t always go quickly, but I usually went/go. I learned to ask forgiveness for – fill-in-the-blank: speaking too quickly, humiliating them, not listening to them…the list goes on. I learned to ask God to change my heart.

To this day, my husband and I believe that asking forgiveness and repenting are the most important habits we developed as parents.

  1. Pray for me as a mom, pray for them as kids.

I didn’t know this till I became a parent, but I quickly realized that many questions in parenting don’t have clear answers. Not only are we often confused as parents, we are also frequently powerless.

I quickly realized that many questions in parenting didn't have clear answers Share on X

Do we let them cry at night or pick them up and feed them? What do I do when my child is bullied on the playground? How do I punish my teen for breaking curfew to help a friend? And on and on. Sometimes there are practical answers, and it often helps to seek wise counsel, but the first and last and in-between thing to do is pray.

  1. Help them live their stories for God’s glory.

It took us way too long to realize this. For many years we tried to get our kids to live the story we had written for them (see above). Over time, though, we learned and are learning to honor the individuals God has created them to be. We ask God to show us how to support and encourage them in living out that story for God’s glory—not for ours!!!

  1. Teach them, “Be kind to one another” (Ephesians 4:32).

This was one of the few parenting goals that I think I might have written down. I know I knew it by heart. It was my go-to, my default. It was the motto I wanted my kids to live by, so much so that I have been known during sibling bickering to raise my voice many octaves and command: “Be kind to one another!”

Parenting Goals, Yes or No?

In writing this blog, I discovered that I have had and do have a mission in mind—“Be kind to one another, forgiving one another, just as in Christ, God forgave you.” That mission in many ways guided my goals, which I think I did write down—as prayers: “Lord, help me to help [insert child’s name] in her struggle with organic chemistry” (I totally made that one up). There was and is an intentionality to my mothering, and I did take specific actions to reach my often-unstated parenting goals.

A Prayer about Parenting Goals

Dear God, you are such a good Father. Thank you for forgiving us our parenting sins and for helping us get over our parenting fails. You indeed have parenting goals for us, to grow us to be mature and complete, to live for your glory, and to bless others with the riches of Christ. Help us as parents to set good goals for our family: to learn, live, and love in your story of grace. In Christ’s kind name we ask, Amen.

What about you? Do you write goals for parenting? Do you have a family mission statement? What steps would you like to take to be more intentional about your parenting?

 

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

What Is God’s Plan for Parenting?

What Is God’s Plan for Parenting?

A craving for certainty

True confession: At times, my desire for certainty borders on craving. In all areas of my life, but particularly as a mom. My craving for certainty has been a prevailing struggle through now-30-years of motherhood. I want to be sure of what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. I also want results!

God seems to have different plans. In no other arena of my life have I felt less certainty and more pressure about seemingly life-altering decisions.

Some matters are small (though they may seem huge at the time)—like whether to schedule feed my baby to get her to sleep through the night; how to pep up school lunches to get a finicky child to eat.

Others are clearly momentous—like, how to get our adolescents to “just say no” to drugs; which treatment options to use for a chronically ill child.

Part of God’s plan for parenting is to grow us up.

Dan Allender says, in one of my favorite parenting books, How Children Raise Parents:

“…no other arena in life holds us more hostage to hope, more afraid to dream, more defensive about our decisions, and more open to receive help…[Parenting] is the space in our lives where we are most open to the work of God to change us….”

His words make me ask…

What if, for a moment, we quit reading parenting books, stopped listening to the other working moms by the water cooler at work…

What if we got really still and knew that God is God?

What if we became curious about what God is up to in our uncertainty? Could he be calling us to do the two hardest things to do as a parent?

The two hardest things to do as a parent…

  1. Let go of control.
  2. Depend on the saving power of Christ.

What might that look like?

Letting go of control as parents…

First, let’s talk about what letting go of control does not mean:

  • letting our toddlers boss us around.
  • saying, “Whatever” when our kids decide they want to stop doing homework or showing up at school.
  • allowing our children to get their way.

Here are some things it might mean to let go of control:

  • Stopping in the middle of our craziness. Just. Slow. Down.
  • Remembering the power, plans, and promises of God.
  • Keeping a catalogue of stories from Scripture where God showed up and did the impossible in unexpected ways (the Abraham, Sarah, and Isaac story in Genesis 12-21 is one of my favorites).
  • Remembering how God has worked in your life or child’s life in the past.
  • Confessing the truth to God: “I want to be in charge here. I’m not really sure I trust you to do the best thing for my child (!). (This is where I realize how foolish I am to think I love my child more than God).
  • Asking for help.

Which brings us to the second order of repentance:

…depending on Christ as parents.

Again, let’s talk about what this doesn’t mean.

  • It doesn’t mean that we choose not to seek a doctor’s help with a screaming, feverish baby.
  • It doesn’t mean we leave it to the youth minister to communicate the gospel to our teenager.

Letting go of control doesn't mean we leave our children's gospel growth up to the youth minister. #parenting Share on X

Here’s what it does look like:

  • Knowing that God first loved us—and our children—while we were sinners (Romans 5:6-8).
  • Knowing that we are made right through Christ (2 Cor. 5:21), not through our own perfect parenting decisions.
  • Knowing that our children are made right through Christ, not through their grades at school, their college admissions, or even their obedience to their parents (though that is a fruit of being ‘in Christ.’)
  • Remembering that in Christ, we have the Holy Spirit as our helper (John 14:18), to bring wisdom and to heal, and to do brand new things.
  • Waiting to see how God will work in our lives and our children’s lives to bring us to himself.

Stripped of all of our devices, weary of trying this tip or that program to get our kids to do better in school, “just say no” to drugs, make good friendships, we lay ourselves before him and utter the most essential word for good parenting, “Lord, help!” I believe this may be closer to God’s plan for parenting. What do you think?

A Prayer for God’s Plan for Parenting

Lord,

Forgive us for not trusting your plans for our parenting. Thank you that you are teaching us to depend on Jesus and to trust you more and more each day. Help us to keep turning over control to you. By your mercy in Jesus, we ask. Amen.

Photo by Vivek Kumar on Unsplash.

A Good Read for Hard Times: The Waiting Room Devotional

5 Things Every Daughter Needs from Her Dad

5 Things Every Daughter Needs from Her Dad

Dear Dads: Your Daughter Needs You!

Dear Dads, if you have a daughter, I know it may be hard to figure her out. As a daughter myself, and a mom of daughters, I’ve done some thinking about what a daughter needs from her dad. Please don’t see these suggestions as a “to-do-list.” See it more as an opportunity to become a glorious father. See it as something that will absolutely require dependence on the Savior, lots of prayer, and lots of Holy Spirit wisdom.

5 things every daughter needs from her dad:

  1. Delight in the image of God in her.

Begin at the beginning. From Day 1 of your daughter’s life, see her as the wondrous creation that she is. Tell her that she is fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Teach her that she bears God’s glory because she was created in his image and reflects his beauty (Genesis 1:27).

Dads: teach your daughter that God’s blessing and calling was given to both man and woman. #fathersanddaughters #parenting Share on X

Dads: teach your daughter that God’s blessing and mandate was given to man and woman. Explain that being fruitful and multiplying may include bearing children, but it may mean multiplying beauty in the kingdom of God by curing cancer or cleaning schools.

  1. Show her that your approval is not conditional on her performance.

Your approval will matter deeply to your daughter, and it can be a very powerful influence, for good or ill. Nurture her with the hope of the gospel. Show her early and often that while she may be gifted to perform – by making people laugh or by playing Debussy’s Sous La Pluie – it is not her performance that wins God’s love – or yours.

You should know, for her to believe you, you will have to reckon with your own performancism and perfectionism. Daughters have a way of sniffing out disconnects between words and deeds. The good news is, you and she will both grow in your belief in Christ’s sufficiency, and here you will both find the gift of rest.

  1. Delight in her female beauty and sexuality.

That sounds awkward, doesn’t it? But dads need to name this awkwardness and enter into it in order to protect their daughters and help them flourish as God designed them.

In the wake of the #metoo movement, most people know the statistics: at least one out of three women have been sexually abused. Fathers can help change this statistic. Fathers can teach their daughters what it means to have their beauty appreciated but not abused.

First, dads should know they can harm their daughter’s sexuality, by either overt or subtle actions. Here’s what NOT TO DO:

  • Do not fear your daughter’s sexuality: dads can make their daughters feel dangerous and/or disgusting with the comments they make about dating, clothing and/or makeup choices.
  • Do not consume your daughter’s beauty: some dads enjoy the attention they get from their beautiful daughter. A dad feeding off a daughter’s beauty or sexuality can make her believe she is  merely an object to be admired or used.

Learn how a father can cultivate his daughter's beauty. #fathersanddaughters #parenting Share on X

How then does a father cultivate beauty and teach his daughter that she was made to be enjoyed and to enjoy?

  • In the context of living out the gospel in the other ways mentioned in this blog.
  • Complimenting her, yes, but respectfully and appropriately.
  • By speaking to her with respect and kindness when she displays her beauty in a way that seems to you immodest.
  • By honoring her mother (yes, even when divorced) and other women in the way you engage their beauty and sexuality.
  1. Respect your daughter as a woman called by God; be prepared to live the risk of faith.

Allow her to take calculated risks you have considered by prayer and counsel. She will test you: she will want to go on a mission trip to hurricane-ravaged Haiti as a teenager, as our daughters did ;-). Whether it is a mission trip to Haiti, or some other seemingly dangerous dream, your daughter’s calling will demand that you discover how deeply you believe God is her chief protector and not you. The only way through will be on your knees.

  1. Lead authentically with repentance and forgiveness.

In Ephesians, Paul advises fathers, “Do not exasperate your children” (Ephesians 6:4).

Fathers exasperate their children when they fail them but then pretend they've done nothing wrong. #Dadlife Share on X

Here’s the deal, dads. Women feel the effects of the fall in the area of relationship. We long for good relationships, and we also recognize when someone isn’t being authentic. Daughters will know when you’re not being genuine.

This one’s tough. You will probably have to ask forgiveness sometimes, like, when you completely lose your temper because your daughter refuses to quit texting after ten. You will also need to learn from the Prodigal Father to run toward your daughter when she has screwed up and longs for your embrace but doesn’t know how to ask for it.

Fathering daughters is not for the faint of heart; it is a most imperfect science :-)! Take heart, dear dads, for  you have a Heavenly Father who loves you and who will teach you by his Spirit.

A Prayer for Dads of Daughters:

Good, good Father in Heaven, we thank you for the dads you have given to your daughters. Strengthen them with your grace, help them by your Spirit of wisdom and courage, to love these girls so that they may become women who serve you and glorify your holy name. Amen.

Dads: I’d love to hear from you – what’s hardest for you about raising daughters?
Daughters – What did I leave out of this list?

5 Gospel Guidelines for Graduates and their Parents

5 Gospel Guidelines for Graduates and their Parents

Have you ever noticed the swirl of May??? There is Mother’s Day, yes, but with it, a barrage of events that remind you, not just moms, but kids, and all those who love them—change is coming!

Your five-year-old is graduating from kindergarten—a new story is beginning. If  your senior goes to summer school, they’ll actually put a diploma in that cover they handed her when she strutted successfully across the Civic Center in those stiletto heels.

Pin the Tail on the Donkey and the Disorientation of Graduation

Maybe it’s just because I’m a mom of four children, but May has always been the month of disorientation. It’s like you’ve landed in a four-year-old birthday party, been blindfolded, spun around three to thirty times, armed with a Velcro dart, and shoved off to try to pin the donkey target-tail.

It always seemed a little harsh to me, a bunch of grownups and kids laughing and yelling at the staggering four-year-old as she wandered toward the bushes. (Maybe I’m just more sensitive because spinning nauseates me).

I know a lot of people who feel like that bandana-blinded four-year-old right now. Maybe you are like her, stumbling around, trying to peek through the blindfold without anyone seeing you. Maybe you’re frustrated because your friends are laughing at you instead of offering some helpful direction about where to stick that donkey’s tail so you can collect your fidget-spinner reward.

What is disorientation?

Psychologists and biblical scholars call this experience disorientation. Walter Brueggeman describes the disorientation expressed in the Psalms:

“Human experience includes those dangerous and difficult times of dislocation and disorientation when the sky does fall and the world does come to an end.” Brueggeman, The Psalms and the Life of Faith

Although admittedly on a smaller scale, the end of the school year brings the sky-falling, world-ending events that cause the swirl of disorientation. As endings rush toward us, and new beginnings loom on the horizon, we may feel loss of the past, confusion about the present, and uncertainty or anxiety about the future.

5 ways the gospel helps the disoriented:

  1. Stand still.(Psalm 46:10). Let the equilibrium be restored. The days are flying by, between celebrations and final work to do. Make a quiet place to meditate on Psalm 46, “Be still and know that I am God,” (v. 10). Rest.
  2. Focus on the point.(Hebrews 12:1-3).Once, on a small boat in rough seas, an old seamen told me to keep my eyes focused on the horizon to avoid seasickness. As Christians, our stability comes from focusing on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. Remember that God’s redemptive work in the past will continue into the present. That hope will give you the sea legs to take one step at a time toward the future.The gospel offers courage and hope to slow the spin in this cosmic game of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey Share on X
  3. Listen to good counsel. (Proverbs 19:20). Some of those voices in the crowd are actually trying to help you find the donkey tail (probably your mom’s ;-)! Listen carefully for the ones you can trust (including the Spirit’s of course) to give you wise counsel, and take small steps.
  4. Ask for help.(1 Thessalonians 5:17). Ask everyone you know to pray. Write it on your graduation invitation, “No gifts please. Only hourly prayers—for wisdom, sanity, hope, kindness, clarity.” (Okay. I know that’s over-the-top. You could write, “Registered at Target. Please add prayers to any material gifts.”)
  5. Consider your goals—and the reward. (Philippians 3:12-14). Pinning the tail on the donkey might get you some gummi bears, but courageously stepping into the future brings the opportunity to re-evaluate your goals and their rewards. Asking yourself how your next goal fits with your calling to glorify God and enjoy him forever can bring a new level of hope even in uncertainty.

(For more on goals and calling, check herehere, and here.)[Check these links]Help us to stop swirling and staggering bc we’re listening to too many voices and none of them yours. Share on X

A Prayer for the Disoriented

Lord, we confess, our stomachs are sour with our uncertainty and doubt. What we’ve known is ending, and we don’t know if we like what comes next, or maybe we don’t even know what does come next. Help us to stop swirling and staggering because we’re listening to too many voices at once and none of them yours. Give us the guidance we need to go where you would have us go. Help us to take off our blindfolds, read your Word, remember the stories of your faithfulness, and walk in the ways you have carved for us.Help! Still our hearts. Orient us toward your Living Story, the story of redemption and restoration that you’ve written in your kingdom.

Thank you for saving us for yourself. Thank you for peace that surpasses all comprehension. Thank you for your good and perfect will. In the name of our precious Savior, Amen.

Photo Credit: REDD COLUMBIA OF RC CLUSTER pin the tail on the donkey, Flicker Creative Commons

 

5 Quotes for When Parenting Is Hard

5 Quotes for When Parenting Is Hard

In the third post of our series about mothers, we include mothers and fathers and grandparents.

As we all know, parenting isn’t always cute coos and infant smiles. When the toddler or teenage screams overwhelm you, when parenting is hard, these five quotes from parents and grandparents will encourage you.

Ann Voskamp

I never expected that a mother’s labor and delivery never ends — and you never stop having to remember to breathe.
I didn’t know that taking the path of most resistance often leads to the most reward.
I didn’t know that you kids would birth me deeper into God and I didn’t know that you’d drive me crazy and I didn’t know how you’d drive me to the Cross….
And the Gospel has never stopped being the good news headline that I’ve needed every day because I’ve been the one breaking.

Scotty Smith

Dear heavenly Father, yet again we turn to you as the designer and builder of all things, including the lives of our children and grandchildren. Thank you for reminding us that our children are a gift, not a project.
At times you’ve had to use a gospel wrecking ball on my parenting style in order to build something more lasting and beautiful. That process continues. But even when I’m overbearing or under believing, disengaged or too enmeshed, I am thankful to know that you remain faithful and loving.
Continue to rescue me from relational “laboring in vain” — assuming a burden you never intended parents to bear. Father, only you can reveal the glory and grace of Jesus to our children.

Scott Sauls

It is hard for a controlling type-A to surrender anything, especially the author rights to his own children’s stories.

And yet, if their stories were to unfold in unexpected ways — having dreams go unfulfilled, experiencing loss, being brokenhearted, enduring a spiritual crisis — hope would not be lost, because God would still be in control of things. And it is always better for God to be in control of things than for us to be in control of things.

Dan Allender

Nothing my son or daughters will do can alter the plan and passion of God. There are ultimately no mistakes in life. There are sins and failures, to be sure, but no mistakes. And nothing that is inscribed in the text of one’s life is not ultimately authored by a merciful God….
The collapse of our dreams or their rise, the kindness and fidelity of those we love, are all the scribbling of a genius God.

Judy Douglass

How? For me, this became the question God kept before me: Could I continue to receive this boy as a gift? Slowly the Father opened my eyes and heart to see the many ways God had blessed me.

He drove me into God’s arms….
My heavenly Father welcomed me into his loving arms, captured all my tears, listened to me cry out, yell at him, and beg him. When I was ready to give up, he held me up with his righteous right arm, sharing his strength and courage with me.

He taught me to pray.

I’m a ministry leader. I thought I knew how to pray. But this boy kept me on my knees. Yes, I asked, beseeched, and pleaded. And I lamented. I confessed. I reminded God what his Word said. I thanked. I listened. All of the above, almost all the time.

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A Good Read for Hard Times: The Waiting Room Devotional