fbpx

A Letter to New Moms: What I Wish I Had Known

by | Apr 30, 2019 | Gospel living, Mother's Day, Parenting

A Letter to New Moms: What I Wish I Had Known

It’s not May yet, but Mother’s Day is in less than two weeks. For the next three weeks, we’re going to talk about moms. But if you’re not a mom, please don’t leave:

  • Consider sharing with young moms this week’s letter (you might find yourself nodding even if you’re an “old mom” like me);
  • Stay tuned for next week when we talk about how (and why) to tell some of your stories from your mother’s point of view
  • Snap up five quotes for when parenting is hard.

For today, enjoy these musings on the struggles and joys of being a new mom:

New Moms May Struggle for Control and Competence

The bad news: Out (or in) comes the baby—out flies control and competence! 

As a new mom, you will quickly realize that you have lost control and perhaps a sense of competence. In your former life as an English teacher, you knew what you were doing, but with childbirth, your life is flooded with uncertainty.

  • That 6 hour epidural-free labor you planned — how about a 33-hour pitocin induction instead?
  • That 2-year-old you thought would never scream in the super market? Just hand over the gummy vitamins!

The good news: Being a new mom will humble you — I mean — flat-out-on-the-floor humble. 

Being a new mom will literally drive you to your knees, and while you’re down there fetching toys or changing a diaper, you might as well pray: A LOT! You will become, ironically, like a child, clinging to your Abba Father for moment-by-moment mercy.

Being a new mom will literally drive you to your knees—and while you're there, you might as well pray! #momlife #motherhood Share on X

New Moms May Struggle with a Sense of Shame and Failure

THE BAD NEWS: Being a new mom is a daily exercise in not-enoughness.

  • When that baby won’t sleep through the night the way What to Expect 21st C. edition promised it would, you might feel that you are flawed.
  • When you start shouting because your teething toddler won’t stop screaming, you will know you are flawed!

THE GOOD NEWS: It is good to know you are not-enough. You never were. Christ is enough, more than enough. The freedom and hope of the gospel is that our love and patience and kindness for our children grows as we enjoy God’s love and patience and kindness toward us.

You will grow in your understanding that there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1), and you will show your child what she most needs to know: in Christ, there is always hope for repentance and forgiveness; we never have to stay in shame or condemnation!

New Moms Don’t Have the Power to Make the Story Go our Way

THE BAD NEWS:  Your parenting story, your child’s story, like the six-hour epidural-free labor you hoped for, will not often turn out the way you imagined it.

As you learn ever so quickly, even if you do things just right, there are no guarantees that what you do is going to “work.”

  • You nurse every two hours, just as the lactation consultant told you, but your milk still isn’t coming in.
  • You teach that 10-month-old-early-walker the word “no,” and you even try to distract her. She pauses long enough to shoot you a look you will see again when she is a teenager. Then she goes ahead and climbs on the kitchen chair.

THE GOOD NEWS: God is writing a better story than we could ever imagine. He is redeeming our hearts as we let go of control and competence, as we humble ourselves and depend on Him, as we rest in his more-than-enough love for us!

From this old mom to all you new moms, take heart. You will likely struggle with some of these heart issues all of your parenting life, but the good news is that God is making all things new, redeeming our hearts and our children’s hearts through the sorrows and the joys.

A Prayer for New Moms

Lord, we bow before you, the only perfect parent. Wrap us, we pray, in your mothering wings, protecting us and nurturing us, even as we seek to nurture these children you have written into our stories. When we think we can’t change one more dirty diaper today or deal with one more toddler tantrum, give us the strength to endure, and the compassion to love. When we feel like complete failures because our kids are disobeying or not working the plan we had written for the day, help us to know your delight in us and our children. As we try to meet our children’s needs, help us to come to you as your children, knowing that you have called all who are weary and heavy-laden. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.

Get your free "Mother's Story" Journal now!

Get your free Mother’s Story journal with guidelines for writing, eight different prompts, reflection questions, and pages for writing. PLUS a free gospel-centered resource every month!

Subscribe to Living Story for free resources

Loving our Children: Parenting by Grace

by | Feb 19, 2019 | Parenting

Loving our Children: Parenting by Grace

It’s February, and we are focusing on love, so this week I thought we’d focus on loving our children. Many years ago, I was interviewed for a podcast on “parenting by grace”; the interviewer asked me to define the phrase. I told her this story about a time I began parenting by grace, stumbled along the way, and was graciously returned to sanity—by God!

Parenting by Grace: A Story

Our 18 and 20-year-old were going on a missions trip to Ecuador. Though the leaders of the group were not officially suggesting they get vaccinations, I asked my kids to check out what travel advisors suggested. Parenting by grace means we give our children rules and expect obedience, but we don’t make their obedience a condition of our love for them.

Parenting by grace principle one: We give our children rules and expect obedience, but we don’t make their obedience a condition of our love for them. Share on X

My children procrastinated a bit but ultimately responded to my request by making inquiries and plans to get the suggested shots. But then they discovered that the missions agency in Ecuador didn’t really consider them essential and that others weren’t taking this precaution.

This is where I started getting—well, angry. If the CDC recommends them, then why wouldn’t the missions organization? Find out, I demanded, what the doctors in the group are doing.

[Grumble grumble grumble (That was me, not my children)].

They again obeyed, and it was ultimately determined that most medical authorities agreed the shots weren’t necessary.

Somewhere along the way, I thought about my anger and grumbling. There’s certainly nothing wrong and everything right with wanting to protect our children from disease. It is also good and right to expect young adults to follow through on our direction, and for the most part, they had.

So I wondered—what made me so angry? Almost always behind my anger, I discover one of two things, or both:

  1. desire for control.
  2. fear.

I’m pretty sure both were operative here. When we are parenting out of fear or desire for control, there’s a good chance we’ve shifted our trust—from God to ourselves.

Parenting by grace principle two: When we are parenting out of fear or desire for control, there's a good chance we've shifted our trust—from God to ourselves. Share on X

What Parenting by Grace Might Look Like

To answer the interviewer’s question, here’s what parenting by grace looked like practically at that point:
1. Recognize the reality that I’m trusting in myself rather than God.
2. Repent. Tell God the truth (which he already knows).
3. Relinquish. Tell God I trust him to care for my children better than I do.
4. Rejoice. Celebrate. Enjoy the preparations for the trip and let everyone else enjoy them too.
5. Rest. I can honestly say I did rest. My children went to Ecuador, and I prayed all sorts of prayers for the whole team, and my heart remained (mostly) calm.

Addendum: They did return healthy and very very happy!! Thanks be to God :-)!

What do you think parenting by grace looks like? Do you have a story of stumbling and then recognizing that something was going wrong with your parenting?

A Prayer about Parenting by Grace

Heavenly Father, we acknowledge that you are the only perfect parent. Our sin-born tendency to seek control and avoid fear causes us to stumble as earthly parents. Please, by your grace, help us to recognize when we’re going wrong, to repent more quickly, and to rejoice and rest in your boundless grace. Amen

Photo by Brittany Simuangco on Unsplash

Do Kids Need Church Today?

by | Oct 9, 2018 | Church, Parenting, Spiritual Growth

Do Kids Need Church Today?

Church, A Child, & A Story

It was the summer of Y2k. The world was still intact, and my 11-year-old son was in our study, deeply engrossed in the computer. With him sat the current VBS director, a woman who had “understood” his “energy” when he was just a little tyke in her Children’s Church class. Now they were compiling photos for a Powerpoint slideshow for the VBS finale.

“Miss Katherine” is part of the church village that helped raise our child. That story is just one of many that explains why I am passionate about kids being in church. Though we do have some confusing and hard stories related to kids and church, by far, the redemptive ones win out. We are called to…

tell the next generation
about the glorious deeds of the Lord,
about his power and his mighty wonders. Ps. 78: 4

As studies reveal that 35% of people aged 20-35 are leaving the church, we need to know why church is so crucial in forming followers of Christ who love the story of God’s grace.

Here are 5 things we need to know about children and church.

1. The purpose of church for children.

Healthy ministry to children and youth seeks to come alongside their parents in growing and equipping followers of Jesus Christ. Unfortunately, many parents like me at times have mistaken notions of what church should offer our children. We want…

  • moral development programs
  • free babysitting with animal crackers and lemonade (with gluten-free options, of course)
  • the coolest youth program in town that somehow manages to fully entertain while it also enlightens.

Many parents puzzle at the oft-recited Proverb 22:6,

“Bring up a child in the way they should go, and when they are old, they will not depart from it.”

That verse is no guarantee, but studies reveal that children who have been taught in the “way” of the GOSPEL, learning that they are saved by GRACE, not by what they do (make all –A’s, share their toys) or what they don’t do (go to raves, hit somebody on the playground), are more likely to continue in it.Gospel-centered church teaches our children they are saved by grace, not by what they do (make all –A’s, share their toys) or what they don’t do (go to raves, hit somebody on the playground). Share on X

2. The community of church for children.

As parents, we are called “to grow our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” And yet, God has so designed the cosmos that we are “stronger as a pack.” What would we do…

  • without the Sunday school teacher who understood that our high-energy child focused best when given greater responsibility?
  • Or without the single young woman who met my teenage daughter for coffee?
  • Or without that aged grandmother whose love for Jesus shone on little second graders every week?

Where else can you get an entire group of people who promises to help you raise your children in the love of Christ? Church is the body designed to support the parent in our overwhelming task.

3. Church, by faithful preaching and teaching of the Word, grows our faith as parents.

As desperately as our children, we parents need the constant reminder of the redemption story God is writing. Even on the worst days,

the days when we worry that our child will never quit biting the other toddlers,
the days when we worry that our senior will never figure out what comes next in life,

church reminds us through preaching, teaching and example that God is sovereign. He is mighty and merciful. And he is restoring all broken things.

%

Number of Millennials Who Identify No Religious Affiliation

4. Church strengthens parents to live authentically before our kids.

It is sadly true that some churches at some times have given the mistaken impression that you should get your act cleaned up before you go to church. Gospel-centered teaching and preaching frees parents to live the calling of the gospel.

Because we are forgiven, we live a lifestyle of repentance with our children. We forgive and ask our children’s forgiveness. God works in our repentance and forgiveness to grow our children in this lifestyle.

As we are being transformed, we long to teach our children the commandments (Deuteronomy 6:4-6) — not to force them to become obedient children, but to help them live the disciple’s life of loving and serving the God who first loved and served us.

Our children learn moment by moment, day by day, what we value…

  • As we read the Bible and pray – alone and with our children.
  • As we feast together over good food and good stories.
  • As we discuss and pray over their hard stories like losing a best friend, not making the team, failing Chemistry tests.
We teach children obedience, not for its own sake, but to help them live the disciple's life of loving and serving the God who first loved and served us. Share on X

5. Church offers the help we need to defeat sabotage.

Parents trying to get their kids to church will face fierce opposition — the Church body and means of grace help us fight — the devil, the flesh, and the world.

  • Satan wants to kill and destroy, and tearing up a family sharing life together in church will take priority.
  • Our flesh tells us we work hard all week and we need to sleep late on Sundays.
  • The world says, “People who go to church are judgmental!”

But there’s good news. Church supplies us with the primary weapons we need to fight that sabotage:

  • the TRUE STORY that God loves us, even if our teenager doesn’t…
  • the prayers of the saints that calm us when our child refuses to walk into Sunday school.
  • the gospel reminder that we are forgiven when we all start yelling at each other on the drive to church.

Church is the place that grows us all in grace, the capacity to love and turn from our sin and live a new story. It is worth every battle we will face to be there with our children.

3 Healthy Habits for Using Social Media

by | Apr 10, 2018 | Gospel living, Parenting

3 Healthy Habits for Using Social Media

Can we develop healthy habits for social media?

Guest poster, Mary Elizabeth Blake, graduate student in counseling, joins us again for the second part in the social media “mini-series.” Here’s Mary Elizabeth:

Last week, I shared three dangers of social media: narcissistic behavior, depressive symptoms, and habituation. If you missed this post, click here to read that first. Today, I offer three helpful tips for using social media in healthy ways:

  1. Track your usage

This may seem obvious to you, but for many, it is not. Did you know that most smartphones will tell you exactly how much time you have spent on different apps? If you can’t locate this on your phone, you can download various apps to tell you. Apps like “Moment” and “In Moment” allow you to see just how much time you spend on social media and actually regulate that usage for you. (This is also helpful for parents;-).

  1. Use it for good

  • When you do use social media, find the ways social media can be used for good. Facebook now offers ways for people to donate to a charity on your birthday—consider doing this or contributing in honor of a friend.
  • When you see a shared article or blog with an opinion that contradicts yours, do not comment/tweet back/dislike. Instead, humble yourself and pray for the writer or the sharer (or both).
  • Additionally, when you are about to post something, consider why you are posting.
    • Is it to be noticed?
    • To fit in?
    • To be liked?
    • Or is it to encourage others?
    • To show off God’s creation?
    • To express gratitude for the blessings God has given you?

(Note: You don’t always have to think through this question; for example, definitely post that picture of your family gathered at Thanksgiving. That IS a blessing! even if your caption doesn’t say it is!!)

  1. Center your use on routine

Remember the habituation danger we discussed last week?

  • Consider setting up a social media time each week, or every couple of days, to check in online. If you have decided your online time will be Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays from 1-2 pm, but it’s a Saturday afternoon and you don’t have plans, everything inside you might scream, “pick up your phone so you won’t be bored!!” Don’t give in. Do something creative like doodling, or take a walk, or call a friend.
  • Pay attention to the impulse. This applies to more than just social media usage. In his famous soliloquy (as I like to think of it), Paul says,

For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me…Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. (Romans 7: 18b-20, 24-25)

Paul is getting at mindfulness. He knows his mind will fail him because of the sin that is inside him. Our mind is impulsive. Our mind wants to do what it wants to do, and it wants to do it now! Who will deliver us from our impulsive sin? Thanks be to God, through His Son who died to free us from sin’s enslavement.

The hope of the gospel is that you are freed from enslavement to sin. Remember this good news as you work on using social media outlets in healthy and enjoyable ways that do not tear down.

I hope you have found this mini-series on social media to be helpful. Check out these resources if you’re interested in learning more.

Books:

Websites:

Get free printable prayer worksheet and cards

Send them now!

What You Need to Know about Social Media

by | Apr 3, 2018 | Gospel living, Parenting

What You Need to Know about Social Media

Is social media really dangerous?

This week and next, we are joined by guest blogger Mary Elizabeth Blake, a first-year graduate student in the Marriage and Family Therapy program at Reformed Theological Seminary Jackson. After reading a paper she wrote on social media and narcissism, I urged her to share some of what she learned with our readers because it’s top-level, relevant information we need to know.

Life behind the screen

This ACTUALLY happened: Last week, I was reading in Starbucks and watched a group of 4 teenage girls walk in, order their coffee, sit down, and…stare at their own phones in silence. SILENCE! I mean, don’t get me wrong, this introvert cherishes quiet, but this scene stunned me. Has our ability to relate to others been confined to life behind a screen?

It is no secret that technology is slowly destroying the planet distracting us from the foundations of true community. If I were the mother of any of those girls and saw her idea of “hanging out with friends,” I would probably embarrass her by sitting her down for a little chit-chat on what real community looks like and reminding her of the immanent dangers of social media usage. Then I would drive her home, pull out my memory box, hand her my Razr flip phone, teach her T-9, and take her iPhone away. (Okay, I’m probably going to need some parenting tips before Caleb and I have children!)

The good of social media

But if I am truthful to myself, to you, and to my hypothetical daughter, I love my phone and social media just as much as these girls do. There are so many wonderful opportunities that the Internet provides for us like catching up with old friends, making new ones, learning new things, supporting businesses we couldn’t otherwise support, showing everyone what our dogs look like when they are sleeping, and the list goes on and on…

You may be thinking: Please, Mary Elizabeth, spare us all the dangers of social media!!! Okay, friends, I will save you from hearing ALL of the dangers. However, I think as a community of believers who live primarily in relation to God and secondarily in relation to other people, we are responsible for recognizing how sin stains even the things that were created for good.

3 Dangers of Social Media

Danger 1: Narcissism

Social media sites and applications are formed around the idea of ME! MySpace was one of the first major social media sites – the title alone reveals their investment in “ME.” The me-centered mentality is further fed by individuals on these sites posting selfies, tracking likes, perfecting the following/follower ratio, etc. We are taught that we can regulate these things if we simply try hard enough. How does that shift over into our lifestyles offline? Not well, my friends. Our narcissistic personalities are frustrated in the “real world” by

  1. the lack of control over our circumstances,
  2. the fact that others are not centered on “ME” too, and
  3. the feeling that real life is uninteresting compared to online life.

Danger 2: Depression

In a 2016 study of the correlation between depression and social media usage, about 29.2% of people aged 19-30 showed moderate symptoms of depression, and 26.5% showed high symptoms of depression. That’s over 50% of people1! While the results of this study simply show us that people who use social media are very likely to become depressed, it fails to explore the how. Maybe you and I can take an educated stab at it. The DSM defines depression as “the presence of sad, empty, or irritable mood, accompanied by somatic and cognitive changes that significantly affect the individual’s capacity to function.”

  • Have you ever looked at a picture of a friend’s party and felt sad because you weren’t invited?
  • Have you ever seen a new mother’s post and felt physically and emotionally empty as you reflect on a previous miscarriage?
  • Have you ever said, “not now, kiddo” to your child (or in my case, dog child) as you swipe through your Instagram feed?

These are just a few examples of ways someone could experience social-media triggered depression.

Danger 3: Habituation

I love routine. I wake up every morning, make a cup of coffee, sit down next to my dog, read my Bible, and begin schoolwork. I actually think God loves routine (as exemplified in his unchanging grace and in covenantal faithfulness). Social media thrives on our usage, and will continue to draw us in with new features and reminders when we’ve been away for a while.

If you notice yourself needing to check in online every other hour or so, it may have become habitual for you. The difference between routine and habit is intentional cognitive choice. Are you clicking the app because it is routine (you are choosing) to see what is going on with friends, or are you clicking out of habit, almost unaware that you are even doing so?

If you’re like me, you may be feeling overwhelmed with hearing the dangers of something that was built to be fun and enjoyed! Rest assured – there are healthy ways to use social media and other online resources. Stay tuned — next week, I will share some ways to fight the dangers and enjoy social media appropriately.

References:

  1. Lin, L.Y, Sidani, J.E., Shensa, A., Radovic, A. Miller, E., Colditz, J.B., Hoffman, B.L, Giles, L.M, & Primack, B.A. (2016). Association between social media use and depression among U.S. young adults. Depression and Anxiety, 33, 323–331. http://dx.doi.org/10.1002/da.22466

 

5 Ways for Weary Moms to Rest: Part 2

by | Aug 16, 2017 | Parenting

5 Ways for Weary Moms to Rest: Part 2

To weary moms, continued…

Last week, I posted the first part of a letter I wrote to any moms wearied by the work of raising children. Today, enjoy part 2!

Dear weary mom, you have permission, in Christ, to stop…

  1. trying to be supermom. God designed us to be interdependent with others. Accept help and ask for it.

Are you trying to nurse a baby, help a first grader with homework, and cook dinner while your husband is sitting on the couch checking email? Ask him for help. It is true — he’s had a long day at work, but you’ve had a long day at work too. These days won’t be this busy FOREVER!! He won’t regret his involvement, and you won’t either.

Your next-door-neighbor loves to stay and watch mini-mite football practice. You have two other drop-offs to make. Why not ask him if he minds driving your son too?

God provides us with rest in the most practical of ways — we are members of a body with different gifts and in different seasons.

  1. saying “yes.” Practice one eloquent way to say “no” to the zillions of requests sent your way:

Someone else will be room mom (or dad), or maybe no one else will step up. The teacher does need help, but you’re caring for your aging grandmother — can you really do both without exhausting yourself?

It will require making some people unhappy (see number 1) and trusting that God will provide a way (Isaiah 43:19), but it will allow you the rest you were made for.

Dear weary mom, you have permission to make people unhappy. Share on X
  • Other things you may pronounce a guilt-free “no” to:
    sending homemade cupcakes to school for your child’s birthday,
  • buying your 16-year-old a new car,
  • and taking responsibility for your child’s failure or sin.

  1. saying “no.” Say yes to more play and rest.

Let’s be honest — it can become a habit, right?

“No, you can’t come in past curfew.”
“No, you can’t eat dessert before dinner.”
“No, you can’t watch Leave it to Beaver before you do your homework (TVLand, anyone:-)?).”
(And yes, when I was a child, I watched Leave it to Beaver every day before I did my homework:-)! (While eating Chips Ahoy cookies and drinking full-tilt Coke!)

Say yes to rest by saying no to one of the 40 volleyball/soccer games your two combined children will compete in. If you’re an introvert, stay home and lie on the couch with a good book; if you’re an extrovert, don a lime green feather boa and go to Chile’s with ten of your closest friends.

5 Ways for Weary Moms to Rest: Part 2 Share on X

Tell the kids to skip the room cleanup and go out for ice cream. Let them take a sick day – adults get them – why shouldn’t they (I know – because they get school holidays:-) – but still!)? Tell them they can’t dump a bucket of ice on you for a good cause, but you will help them have a bake sale to raise money.

Rest, weary mom, because God created rest and Jesus gives rest.

“ And on the seventh day God finished his work that he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all his work that he had done.” Gen. 2:2

Come to him, you weary and heavy-laden mom, and rest, for truly his yoke is easy and his burden is light.

Get your FREE Back-to-School Planning Guide!

Be sure to check the "Living Story Subscriber" box on the form to get the worksheet!

SHARING IS CARING :-)!

If you enjoyed this post, just click on any of the share buttons!