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5 Ways for Weary Moms to Rest: Part 1

by | Aug 10, 2017 | Parenting

5 Ways for Weary Moms to Rest: Part 1

“Come to me, you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.” Matt. 11:28-30

Are you a weary mom, or do you know one personally?

(I wrote this post last year, but it seemed to offer encouragement, so I’m serving it up again :-)!

I don’t know about you, but for me, “back-to-school” always signals the time for a fresh start. In my case, the revolving door of college-age-and-beyond children and their friends has come to a standstill, and an ambivalent peace has descended. For many moms with school-aged kids, though, things are just getting ramped up.

Today, I am looking back to those intensely full days with four children in school and thinking about how much more restful I could have been…So today I am writing a letter to my younger mom self and moms who are in the throes now. My hope is to encourage us to live fully in the freedom that Christ has won for us (Galatians 5:1).

Dear rushing, weary mom, you have permission, in Christ, to let go of….

1. trying to make everyone happy.

First of all, it’s impossible. And secondly, the gospel truth is that  being a servant of God is not nearly so hard as being a slave to people. (Gal. 1:10).

Let’s face it, you’ll make turkey sandwiches for lunch, and one of four will want peanut butter. You’ll pack apples; two will want bananas. 

Dear rushing, weary mom, you have permission, in Christ, to let go of trying to make everyone happy. Share on XThey will face trials much worse than this when they get to school: playground or locker room rejection, test fails, drug offers. They’re going to have hard days, hard years. Don’t demand or expect happiness all the time. Stand alongside them as they learn how to “stir away a bad day.” Listen. Pray. Wait. 

On the other hand, when they’re making everyone else miserable with their misery, feel free to invite them to “rejoice with those who rejoice.” (Romans 12:15).

2. worrying and micromanaging. 

Instead, seek counsel from gospel-focused community, pray, and get perspective.

Your first grader, who has been reading The Cat in the Hat for a year, is scoring poorly on those Common Core reading tests. (She’s not the only one!). It makes you crazy just thinking about it. You need a good community to pray with you, offer  “kitchen-table” wisdom, and help you remember that God really is bigger (and smarter:-) than the Common Core:-)!!!

Moms, don't worry or micromanage -- seek help from gospel-centered community. Share on X

The corollary to the Common Core worry is that God is also bigger than any of the multitudinous worries you may have about your senior in high school. What college will he go to? Or should he go to technical school? Or no school? And how will you – or he — pay for any of it? 

The only person who may be more worried about this than you, whether he appears utterly disinterested or wildly overwrought, is your child. Either way, let go of micromanaging — you know — placing brochures on his dinner plate, showing him budget spreadsheets, trying to get his student ID so you can start his Common App?

Stop. Breathe. Pray. Rest. Remember what you learned when he was in first grade — God’s story of grace truly is larger than this seemingly humongous story. If God could have a plan for the rebellious Israelites that included a future and a hope, he surely has a loving plan for your senior. (Jer.29:11).

(This post has been broken into two parts, because, after all, weary moms don’t have time to read more than 600 words in the carpool line, right? Subscribe to the weekly blog if you want to get the FREE Back-to-School Planning Guide and ensure you get Part 2 next week!)

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5 Struggles Moms in Every Season Face

by | Oct 11, 2016 | Parenting

5 Struggles Moms in Every Season Face

Stories change but Moms struggle in every season

Last week, I wrote about how God may have different plans for parents than we have. This week I want to discuss some of the struggles moms face. Let’s start with a little story.

The young mother fretted. She had to leave town for the day — what if one of her children got sick and needed to come home? What if she did not get back in time? What if…

The seasoned teacher, a mom of three grown children, reassured her that her children would be well-cared for no matter what happened.

The young mom said, “I know I’m being silly. I guess you don’t worry anymore now that your kids are grown.” 

“Oh yes, I still worry,” the teacher responded. “I’ve just learned to pray more.” 

This story made me think. Our children grow older and circumstances change, but many of the emotional challenges of motherhood remain the same. 

Top 5 Mom Struggles

Having raised 4 children to the ages of 27 to 21 and added two by marriage, and having known countless moms along the way, I’ll suggest the following as the top 5 mom struggles.

1. Fear or uncertainty about letting kids go/sending them into the unknown.

  • Whether you are taking your baby to the church nursery for the first time or moving an 18-year-old into the dorm at college, you will likely experience varying degrees of trepidation.
  • Whether you’re helping your daughter select her first prom dress or searching for her wedding dress, you may be feeling a little uncertain about her moving into this next phase of life.

2. Powerlessness to make your child do what you think you want them to do.

Sometimes we want our kids to do things that are good for them; others we want them to do things that fill our needs. The struggle begins when they absolutely refuse to “sleep through the night,” whatever that is and continues on into their…

  • refusal to eat kale (but who can blame them, really?).
  • complete apathy about doing math homework.
  • desire to play football when you want them to run track.
  • choice to move to Boston when you want them to live next door.

3. Guilt over failing them in some way.

A mom’s opportunities and inclination to experience guilt begin before birth and continue well into adulthood. You can feel guilty about…

  • not playing classical music for them when they’re in the womb.
  • being the only mom in the entire history of the pre-school to send black-and-orange Oreos for snack day in October.
  • screwing up your child’s life by sending those Oreos to said pre-school.
  • leaving them when you should have stayed.
  • losing your temper with them.
  • being overprotective or overbearing because of feeling fear, uncertainty, or powerlessness (see 1 and 2).

4. Feeling unwanted or unneeded.

It feels great when your toddler ties his shoes for the first time (or is that velcro’s?), but later their lack of need or desire for us can hurt. One day…

  • your first grader may ask you not to drive on the field trip.
  • your freshman may tell you to quit watching soccer practice when you come to pick her up.
  • your teenager may tell you you are ruining his life and post a large KEEP OUT sign on his door.
  • your adult children may not call for weeks because they’re just so busy with work and the kids. (Or, because they’ve never forgiven you for the Oreo incident:-).

5. Feeling sorrow and helplessness over the suffering they experience.

This can take all forms, from mild sadness to deep agony..

  • babies receiving their first shots; ten-year-olds battling leukemia
  • children suffering rejection from classmates on the playground; young adults staying alone in their apartment because everyone else just wants to do the bar scene on Friday night.
  • daughters being stood up by their prom dates; sons being cheated on by their wives.

There is hope for mom struggles….

But wait!! As the story about the teacher and the mom suggests, there is hope! Though the emotional struggles may not disappear, we will grow more into the likeness of Christ day by day (Eph 4:15). 

Rest comes for our minds and hearts when we…

  • “pray more” as the wise teacher said and remember that God, the compassionate Parent, cares for our children and for us.
  • remember and rehearse the biblical stories of redemption — God rescuing his people out of slavery, Jesus healing the sick, raising the dead, and liberating the captives — including us. When we seek God’s rescue stories in our lives and in our children’s, our faith grows. 
  • recognize that these struggles expose our tendency to make our sense of life and happiness dependent on our children. God is always weaning us from making our children the god we worship.
  • envision often the day when all will be well. Jesus will return; God will be with his people — children and parents. All sorrow and guilt and loneliness and worry will subside in the glorious fullness of God’s redemption.

Wherever you are on your journey of motherhood, be encouraged — the Author God really is writing a good story today!

What emotional struggles would you add to this list? How have you seen any of these struggles at different seasons of motherhood?

Do you know a mom who needs to hear this encouragement? Don’t forget to share!

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3 More Ways for Weary Moms to Rest

by | Aug 22, 2016 | Gospel living, Parenting

3 More Ways for Weary Moms to Rest

To weary moms, continued…

Last week, I posted the first part of a letter I wrote to any moms wearied by the work of raising children. Today, enjoy part 2!

Dear weary mom, you have permission, in Christ, to stop…

  1. trying to be supermom. God designed us to be interdependent with others. Accept help and ask for it.

Are you trying to nurse a baby, help a first grader with homework, and cook dinner while your husband is sitting on the couch checking email? Ask him for help. It is true — he’s had a long day at work, but you’ve had a long day at work too. These days won’t be this busy FOREVER!! He won’t regret his involvement, and you won’t either.

Your next-door-neighbor loves to stay and watch mini-mite football practice. You have two other drop-offs to make. Why not ask him if he minds driving your son too?

God provides us with rest in the most practical of ways — we are members of a body with different gifts and in different seasons.

  1. saying “yes.” Practice one eloquent way to say “no” to the zillions of requests sent your way:

Someone else will be room mom (or dad), or maybe no one else will step up. The teacher does need help, but you’re caring for your aging grandmother — can you really do both without exhausting yourself?

It will require making some people unhappy (see number 1) and trusting that God will provide a way (Isaiah 43:19), but it will allow you the rest you were made for.

Dear weary mom, you have permission to make people unhappy. Share on X
  • Other things you may pronounce a guilt-free “no” to:
    sending homemade cupcakes to school for your child’s birthday,
  • buying your 16-year-old a new car,
  • and taking responsibility for your child’s failure or sin.

  1. saying “no.” Say yes to more play and rest.

Let’s be honest — it can become a habit, right?

“No, you can’t come in past curfew.”
“No, you can’t eat dessert before dinner.”
“No, you can’t watch Leave it to Beaver before you do your homework (TVLand, anyone:-)?).”
(And yes, when I was a child, I watched Leave it to Beaver every day before I did my homework:-)! (While eating Chips Ahoy cookies and drinking full-tilt Coke!)

Say yes to rest by saying no to one of the 40 volleyball/soccer games your two combined children will compete in. If you’re an introvert, stay home and lie on the couch with a good book; if you’re an extrovert, don a lime green feather boa and go to Chile’s with ten of your closest friends.

3 More Ways for Weary Moms to Rest Share on X

Tell the kids to skip the room cleanup and go out for ice cream. Let them take a sick day – adults get them – why shouldn’t they (I know – because they get school holidays:-) – but still!)? Tell them they can’t dump a bucket of ice on you for a good cause, but you will help them have a bake sale to raise money.

Rest, weary mom, because God created rest and Jesus gives rest.

“ And on the seventh day God finished his work that he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all his work that he had done.” Gen. 2:2

Come to him, you weary and heavy-laden mom, and rest, for truly his yoke is easy and his burden is light.

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For Moms Who Wish They Were God

by | Oct 27, 2015 | A Woman's Story, Parenting

For Moms Who Wish They Were God

Some days, as a mom, I wish I were God…

  • To know what God knows.
  • To have the certainty God has.
  • To be in total control of the cosmos.
  • To have the power to bring justice.

Even as I write those words, I know how short I fall of the God who knows the plans he has for us, executes them with all loving wisdom, reigns with grace over the very universe he created, and uses his power to love unlovely people. I don’t really want to be God.

What I really want is to be Queen of My Own Mommy Universe.

  • I want to know which program will get my babies to sleep through the night in 5 weeks or less. I want to know how to get them to “Just say no to drugs.”
  • I want to be certain that sending them to Greenwood Prep Pre-K instead of Learning Barn is going to produce the stellar student I’ve always assumed I’d have.
  • I want to control their lives’ outcome. When they have sniffles, I want them to be well enough to attend school. When they have threatening health issues, I want them to be cured – yesterday, but I’d really rather they not have those at all.
  • Finally, I want the power to bring justice (or is that vengeance?) to anyone who does them harm…Unjust teachers…watch out for the well-written nasty note. Best friends turned bullies – Beware my smiting eyes when I see you at the junior high football game.

The truth is I’m a terrible Queen of My Own Mommy Universe because…

sin clouds my vision for my children.
fear makes me want to keep them close, to protect them (and me) from all suffering.
selfishness shuts down my capacity to write larger stories for them, stories that would require them to depend on God.

Oh, who will rescue me from this body of sin and death?
Thanks be to God, THE GOD! He has rescued me and all mothers like myself! He has reminded us that He has written a much wilder story for us and for our children….

But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you.
    O Israel, the one who formed you says,
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
    I have called you by name; you are mine.
2 When you go through deep waters,
    I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
    you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
    you will not be burned up;
    the flames will not consume you.
3 For I am the Lord, your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Isaiah 43:1-3

A Prayer for Moms Who Want to Be God
Lord, thank you for being God, THE GOD, the loving, saving, faithful, all-knowing, all-powerful, ever-present God. Thank you for showing us our folly when we think we want to take your place and run the universe in a way that seems more to our liking. Thank you for the peace that comes from what we do know – that you are making all things well for your children in your time.

In the name of our Precious Savior, Jesus,

So Very Amen

The Sound and Story of a Formerly Full House

by | Aug 3, 2015 | Learning Story, Parenting

Remembering Stories

One of the wonderful benefits of writing stories as you march through time is the joy of rereading and remembering and looking at where you are now along with where you have been.

Today I am still “convalescing” (okay, that sounds worse than I am:-) from the two grand celebrations of this summer — the weddings of first, our third child – a daughter – on June 6, and second, our firstborn – a son — on July 25. The two not-yet-married children are with us at the beach for a week, so it’s not time to do new writing yet. But searching back through August posts, and having noted that some parents of kids going off to college are starting to post about that on Facebook, I offer this memory from the past.

The Sound & Story of an Empty House

Over the last three weeks, I have helped deliver three children to various college campuses. Our elder daughter is a campus ministry intern, our younger daughter, a junior, and our youngest son, a freshman. Our eldest son graduated from college last year and has long ago left the nest.

On the first quiet day home, I decided to do some processing. Opening a creative writing book, I chose what to me is a challenging exercise: describe the “sound” of something. I hope my piece might help you process some of your feelings about a major change in your life. I also hope my rough efforts might inspire you to try your own. (And if you do so, I hope you’ll share them with us in the comments section!).

piano in dark roomBed and chest rattle and shake over every bump we hit in the 250-mile drive to my daughter’s new home. The rattling is quiet compared to my noisy emotions – hope, fear, uncertainty zinging around inside. Happy squeals reach us across the parking lot as roommates reunite after the long summer apart. The helpers pleasantly greet us and politely ask where to start. The trailer door clangs as they open it, and a whoosh of hot air rushes toward us. They lift heavy boxes with barely a whimper; I pull small ones out of the car with dramatic groans. My daughter calls out from her room, “Mom, where should we put the table?” I go inside, where we chat casually about furniture placement.

Silence echoes through the large empty house. Stillness calls to stillness. I wander by the darkened piano, its mouth shut up, waiting stoically for release. Our empty nest teddy bear dog sighs heavily in the hallway. My phone tweets from my pocket: “31DayFacelift is now following you.” “Really?!” I mock the message, staring at the non-person that delivered it. Drawn by the silent piano, I sit softly on the bench, tentatively striking notes unknown. A not-unpleasant noise sings forth, signaling the distant possibility of a graceful melody arising.

Why not try it yourself? Set a timer for 7 minutes. On a blank sheet of paper, make a list of the sounds of something you’d like to describe. When you’re done, either continue to write your list into a paragraph, or set aside another time to do that. 

or
If you don’t want to write the sound of something, simply record your thoughts about a major transition in your life (like two of four children getting married in one summer 😉 or a new job or some other big change. 

5 Questions for Disoriented Graduates (and Their Parents!)

by | May 15, 2013 | Mission, Parenting

If you see a graduate looking this disoriented, you might want to call a doctor:-)!

If you see a graduate looking this disoriented, you might want to call a doctor:-)!

With our eldest daughter just graduated from college and our youngest son graduating from high school in two weeks, I want to write some new thoughts about graduation, I really do. But the fact is, I have to figure out how to print return address labels for his invitations, go to the post office to get the “additional postage required” because I didn’t know the invitations we ordered were an “odd-size,” and buy more laundry detergent, because our household is again filled with kids who have laundry (and do it themselves). So, for today, I’m bringing back a post I wrote two years ago, when our youngest daughter graduated from high school. I think these things still pertain. But next time I want to write about the parents’ disorientation:-)!
“Human experience includes those dangerous and difficult times of dislocation and disorientation when the sky does fall and the world does come to an end.” Walter Brueggemann, on the Psalms

I was reading this great Brueggemann quote this morning, and it hit me. My daughter (and every other senior) is disoriented. Please don’t hear what I’m not saying — it’s not like she’s doing crazy things like wrapping the school up with caution tape or lying around the house all day watching old episodes of Make it or Break It. It’s just that she, and every other senior, has arrived at one of those times when a world has come to an end.

I’ve been focusing on how disorienting it is for me to have my third of four graduate from high school, but this morning I decided to turn the tables and think about what the seniors are wondering. Here are five questions of disorientation for graduates**:

1. Who am I now that I’m not…the class clown, the All-A student, the “most-likely-to-be-tardy,” the state wrestling champ…?

2. Will anyone here miss me? Will they remember me?

3. How will they get along without me? Who can fill my shoes in the part I played in this world?

4. Who will be my new friends along the next part of the journey?

5. Will I even make it on the next part of the journey?

** Caution — I don’t highly recommend sitting down with your graduate and saying, “Now, honey, I know you’re really struggling with some hard questions. Let’s talk about them.” (I read all about it on the Living Story blog.) (I write this only because it’s something I might do:).

I’m thinking — Reading the Psalms, which are all about disorientation and re-orientation, prayer, understanding and good conversation may be ways to walk well with a graduate (or anyone in transition). Letting someone know  we’re listening to their hearts, remembering how those questions were answered for us or them in the past could be very helpful in these days. What do you think?