Five Verses on True Freedom
Revelation 1:5-6
What’s new? As March begins, we’ll be considering the theme of “new” things, and today, in honor of International Women’s Day (March 8), I’m going to tell about a new – very old – way of understanding a woman’s story. It is new because it challenges many of the current understandings of a woman’s story. It is old because it is the first story ever told about women.
Let’s look at the structure of the Biblical story to see how God has written a woman’s story.
On this week leading up to International Women’s Day, let’s take time to pray for the women of the world and the women in our lives.
Creator God,
We thank you for the way you created the first woman, Eve, and endowed all women with strength and dignity, dominion and purpose. We are glad you made women and men different; we praise you for creating male and female in your image.
Women: Forgive us for the harm we have done as women — seeking our own way, trying to manipulate and control our worlds, grasping for power that was meant for You alone.
Men: Forgive us for the harm we have done as men — misusing authority to oppress and suppress women, failing to honor the wisdom and unique insight of women, and even demeaning women by treating them as our objects rather than Your subjects.
Thank you that you are redeeming and renewing us as women and men day by day. Thank you for writing a new story in a woman’s heart, for freeing us from slavery and clothing us with your righteousness. Thank you for creating us anew and giving us a fresh vision for who you have called us to be!
We pray for restoration for all of the women of the world. We lift up especially women who are abused and trafficked, women who do not have equal opportunities for education, women who are treated in ways Jesus never would have treated them. Bring hope to the dark places of women’s lives. Come Lord Jesus, come soon, to complete your renewing and reconciling work among all the women of the world.
In the name of the Savior who loved women perfectly we pray,
Amen.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Do you think parents should have goals and plans? If so, what kind?
When I venture to write about parenting, I always do so tremulously. Yes, I am the mother of four adult children, ages 30 to 24, mother-in-law to three. And yes, they are pretty awesome kids. But my husband and I (and my children, I’m sure) agree—their awesomeness is not the product of our parenting expertise, of which we have some, but not enough. They have grown and matured and become the wondrous creatures they are only by the grace of God.
That being said, even as God has grown our children, he has redeemed and matured us as parents over the past thirty years. Since this month’s blog theme is Planning and Goals, I decided to revisit our parenting goals or lack thereof.
The truth is, I’ve never been much on writing down my parenting goals. I think we may have done it once when our eldest was a colicky six-month-old, when the gracious grandparents offered to keep him so we could go to a Family Life conference. I think there was a workbook, and I think there was a place for parenting goals? (As you can see, the postpartum amnestic effect took its toll!).
By the time our second child came along twenty-one months later, I had neither time nor energy to write formal parenting goals. That is not to say that I didn’t, at some level, have them. So here it is…
As my children grew, and as God grew me, I believe some truer goals/desires/prayers emerged, although again, I don’t recall writing them down.
Before I became a mom, I taught English to junior high and high school students. I loved teaching, and I was mostly good at it (according to my superiors, students, and [most of] their parents). When I brought that first baby home, my competence and confidence evaporated. (Maybe I pushed them out along with the baby in my 33-hour Pitocin-induction labor?)
Some of my parenting ‘fails’ make me laugh now. I didn’t know what happened when you changed a boys’ diaper. One time a second-grade teacher sent me a note requesting that I pack a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in my child’s lunch instead of peanut butter and crackers (This was in the days when peanut butter was not verboten.) And so on.
Although my parenting ‘fails’ make me laugh, my parenting sins make me weep. I lost my temper, I yelled, I guilted them, and I whined. And that’s just the beginning. Frequently. It hurt. Them and me. I wanted to be a perfect mom—always kind and patient and nurturing. Hope came as I learned I could not make God love me less. Rest came as I trusted in Christ’s righteousness, not my performance as the core of my identity.
Do you know what your unstated goals of parenting are? Here were some of mine. #parenting Share on X
This second goal is a corollary to the first.
I’m not sure how any parent survives the guilt and shame of failing our children if we do not believe that Christ freed us from our sins and God has forgiven us in Christ.
So I learned to say I was sorry. To God and to my children. I didn’t/don’t always go quickly, but I usually went/go. I learned to ask forgiveness for – fill-in-the-blank: speaking too quickly, humiliating them, not listening to them…the list goes on. I learned to ask God to change my heart.
To this day, my husband and I believe that asking forgiveness and repenting are the most important habits we developed as parents.
I didn’t know this till I became a parent, but I quickly realized that many questions in parenting don’t have clear answers. Not only are we often confused as parents, we are also frequently powerless.
I quickly realized that many questions in parenting didn't have clear answers Share on X
Do we let them cry at night or pick them up and feed them? What do I do when my child is bullied on the playground? How do I punish my teen for breaking curfew to help a friend? And on and on. Sometimes there are practical answers, and it often helps to seek wise counsel, but the first and last and in-between thing to do is pray.
It took us way too long to realize this. For many years we tried to get our kids to live the story we had written for them (see above). Over time, though, we learned and are learning to honor the individuals God has created them to be. We ask God to show us how to support and encourage them in living out that story for God’s glory—not for ours!!!
This was one of the few parenting goals that I think I might have written down. I know I knew it by heart. It was my go-to, my default. It was the motto I wanted my kids to live by, so much so that I have been known during sibling bickering to raise my voice many octaves and command: “Be kind to one another!”
In writing this blog, I discovered that I have had and do have a mission in mind—“Be kind to one another, forgiving one another, just as in Christ, God forgave you.” That mission in many ways guided my goals, which I think I did write down—as prayers: “Lord, help me to help [insert child’s name] in her struggle with organic chemistry” (I totally made that one up). There was and is an intentionality to my mothering, and I did take specific actions to reach my often-unstated parenting goals.
Dear God, you are such a good Father. Thank you for forgiving us our parenting sins and for helping us get over our parenting fails. You indeed have parenting goals for us, to grow us to be mature and complete, to live for your glory, and to bless others with the riches of Christ. Help us as parents to set good goals for our family: to learn, live, and love in your story of grace. In Christ’s kind name we ask, Amen.
What about you? Do you write goals for parenting? Do you have a family mission statement? What steps would you like to take to be more intentional about your parenting?
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
We have long since toasted the new year with champagne or fizzy grape juice, watched a ball or bird drop somewhere, and cheered (or yelled) ourselves hoarse over now-nearly-forgotten football games. We’ve eaten our collards, pork, and black-eyed peas, made our resolutions, and already broken many, if not all of them.
I resist making resolutions, because for me, they usually mean “things I will accomplish through my determined will and human effort,” and that’s a complete setup for disaster. Instead, I think about stories.
This time of year is a great one for marking our stories, remembering where we have been, thinking about where we are now, and considering where we are going. As we view what God has done in our lives through the year(s), some general themes start to emerge. We remember our purpose and calling, one of which is as The Message puts it, “Go after love as if your life depended on it, because it does.” (I Cor. 14:1).
Consider these five questions as this chapter of a new year begins:
I’d love to hear how you answer some of these questions. Please share them in the comments or join me on my Facebook page, Elizabeth Reynolds Turnage, Author, for discussion.
Lord, you know our hearts inside and out. You designed us for your glory even before we were born. In your son, Jesus, you have re-created us to do good works (Eph. 2:10). By your Spirit, we ask you to reveal your plan for us and empower us to “go after love as if our life depended on it” (1 Cor. 14:1, MSG). Amen.
True confession: At times, my desire for certainty borders on craving. In all areas of my life, but particularly as a mom. My craving for certainty has been a prevailing struggle through now-30-years of motherhood. I want to be sure of what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. I also want results!
God seems to have different plans. In no other arena of my life have I felt less certainty and more pressure about seemingly life-altering decisions.
Some matters are small (though they may seem huge at the time)—like whether to schedule feed my baby to get her to sleep through the night; how to pep up school lunches to get a finicky child to eat.
Others are clearly momentous—like, how to get our adolescents to “just say no” to drugs; which treatment options to use for a chronically ill child.
Dan Allender says, in one of my favorite parenting books, How Children Raise Parents:
“…no other arena in life holds us more hostage to hope, more afraid to dream, more defensive about our decisions, and more open to receive help…[Parenting] is the space in our lives where we are most open to the work of God to change us….”
His words make me ask…
What if, for a moment, we quit reading parenting books, stopped listening to the other working moms by the water cooler at work…
What if we got really still and knew that God is God?
What if we became curious about what God is up to in our uncertainty? Could he be calling us to do the two hardest things to do as a parent?
What might that look like?
First, let’s talk about what letting go of control does not mean:
Here are some things it might mean to let go of control:
Which brings us to the second order of repentance:
Again, let’s talk about what this doesn’t mean.
Letting go of control doesn't mean we leave our children's gospel growth up to the youth minister. #parenting Share on X
Here’s what it does look like:
Stripped of all of our devices, weary of trying this tip or that program to get our kids to do better in school, “just say no” to drugs, make good friendships, we lay ourselves before him and utter the most essential word for good parenting, “Lord, help!” I believe this may be closer to God’s plan for parenting. What do you think?
Lord,
Forgive us for not trusting your plans for our parenting. Thank you that you are teaching us to depend on Jesus and to trust you more and more each day. Help us to keep turning over control to you. By your mercy in Jesus, we ask. Amen.
Photo by Vivek Kumar on Unsplash.
Dear Dads, if you have a daughter, I know it may be hard to figure her out. As a daughter myself, and a mom of daughters, I’ve done some thinking about what a daughter needs from her dad. Please don’t see these suggestions as a “to-do-list.” See it more as an opportunity to become a glorious father. See it as something that will absolutely require dependence on the Savior, lots of prayer, and lots of Holy Spirit wisdom.
Begin at the beginning. From Day 1 of your daughter’s life, see her as the wondrous creation that she is. Tell her that she is fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Teach her that she bears God’s glory because she was created in his image and reflects his beauty (Genesis 1:27).
Dads: teach your daughter that God’s blessing and calling was given to both man and woman. #fathersanddaughters #parenting Share on X
Dads: teach your daughter that God’s blessing and mandate was given to man and woman. Explain that being fruitful and multiplying may include bearing children, but it may mean multiplying beauty in the kingdom of God by curing cancer or cleaning schools.
Your approval will matter deeply to your daughter, and it can be a very powerful influence, for good or ill. Nurture her with the hope of the gospel. Show her early and often that while she may be gifted to perform – by making people laugh or by playing Debussy’s Sous La Pluie – it is not her performance that wins God’s love – or yours.
You should know, for her to believe you, you will have to reckon with your own performancism and perfectionism. Daughters have a way of sniffing out disconnects between words and deeds. The good news is, you and she will both grow in your belief in Christ’s sufficiency, and here you will both find the gift of rest.
That sounds awkward, doesn’t it? But dads need to name this awkwardness and enter into it in order to protect their daughters and help them flourish as God designed them.
In the wake of the #metoo movement, most people know the statistics: at least one out of three women have been sexually abused. Fathers can help change this statistic. Fathers can teach their daughters what it means to have their beauty appreciated but not abused.
First, dads should know they can harm their daughter’s sexuality, by either overt or subtle actions. Here’s what NOT TO DO:
Learn how a father can cultivate his daughter's beauty. #fathersanddaughters #parenting Share on X
How then does a father cultivate beauty and teach his daughter that she was made to be enjoyed and to enjoy?
Allow her to take calculated risks you have considered by prayer and counsel. She will test you: she will want to go on a mission trip to hurricane-ravaged Haiti as a teenager, as our daughters did ;-). Whether it is a mission trip to Haiti, or some other seemingly dangerous dream, your daughter’s calling will demand that you discover how deeply you believe God is her chief protector and not you. The only way through will be on your knees.
In Ephesians, Paul advises fathers, “Do not exasperate your children” (Ephesians 6:4).
Fathers exasperate their children when they fail them but then pretend they've done nothing wrong. #Dadlife Share on X
Here’s the deal, dads. Women feel the effects of the fall in the area of relationship. We long for good relationships, and we also recognize when someone isn’t being authentic. Daughters will know when you’re not being genuine.
This one’s tough. You will probably have to ask forgiveness sometimes, like, when you completely lose your temper because your daughter refuses to quit texting after ten. You will also need to learn from the Prodigal Father to run toward your daughter when she has screwed up and longs for your embrace but doesn’t know how to ask for it.
Fathering daughters is not for the faint of heart; it is a most imperfect science :-)! Take heart, dear dads, for you have a Heavenly Father who loves you and who will teach you by his Spirit.
Good, good Father in Heaven, we thank you for the dads you have given to your daughters. Strengthen them with your grace, help them by your Spirit of wisdom and courage, to love these girls so that they may become women who serve you and glorify your holy name. Amen.
Dads: I’d love to hear from you – what’s hardest for you about raising daughters?
Daughters – What did I leave out of this list?
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