5 Things Every Daughter Needs from Her Dad

Dear Dads: Your Daughter Needs You!

Dear Dads, if you have a daughter, I know it may be hard to figure her out. As a daughter myself, and a mom of daughters, I’ve done some thinking about what a daughter needs from her dad. Please don’t see these suggestions as a “to-do-list.” See it more as an opportunity to become a glorious father. See it as something that will absolutely require dependence on the Savior, lots of prayer, and lots of Holy Spirit wisdom.

5 things every daughter needs from her dad:

1. Delight in the image of God in her.

Begin at the beginning. From Day 1 of your daughter’s life, see her as the wondrous creation that she is. Tell her that she is fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Teach her that she bears God’s glory because she was created in his image and reflects his beauty (Genesis 1:27).

Dads: teach your daughter that God’s blessing and mandate was given to man and woman. Explain that being fruitful and multiplying may include bearing children, but it may mean multiplying beauty in the kingdom of God by curing cancer or cleaning schools.

2. Show her that your approval is not conditional on her performance.

Your approval will matter deeply to your daughter, and it can be a very powerful influence, for good or ill. Nurture her with the hope of the gospel. Show her early and often that while she may be gifted to perform – by making people laugh or by playing Debussy’s Sous La Pluie – it is not her performance that wins God’s love – or yours.

You should know, for her to believe you, you will have to reckon with your own performancism and perfectionism. Daughters have a way of sniffing out disconnects between words and deeds. The good news is, you and she will both grow in your belief in Christ’s sufficiency, and here you will both find the gift of rest.

3. Delight in her female beauty and sexuality.

That sounds awkward, doesn’t it? But dads need to name this awkwardness and enter into it in order to protect their daughters and help them flourish as God designed them.

In the wake of the #metoo movement, most people know the statistics: at least one out of three women have been sexually abused. Fathers can help change this statistic. Fathers can teach their daughters what it means to have their beauty appreciated but not abused.

First, dads should know they can harm their daughter’s sexuality, by either overt or subtle actions. Here’s what NOT TO DO:

• Do not fear your daughter’s sexuality: dads can make their daughters feel dangerous and/or disgusting with the comments they make about dating, clothing and/or makeup choices.
• Do not consume your daughter’s beauty: some dads enjoy the attention they get from their beautiful daughter. A dad feeding off a daughter’s beauty or sexuality can make her believe she is  merely an object to be admired or used.

How then does a father cultivate beauty and teach his daughter that she was made to be enjoyed and to enjoy?

• In the context of living out the gospel in the other ways mentioned in this blog.
• Complimenting her, yes, but respectfully and appropriately.
• By speaking to her with respect and kindness when she displays her beauty in a way that seems to you immodest.
• By honoring her mother (yes, even when divorced) and other women in the way you engage their beauty and sexuality.

4. Respect your daughter as a woman called by God; be prepared to live the risk of faith.

Allow her to take calculated risks you have considered by prayer and counsel. She will test you: she will want to go on a mission trip to hurricane-ravaged Haiti as a teenager, as our daughters did ;-). Whether it is a mission trip to Haiti, or some other seemingly dangerous dream, your daughter’s calling will demand that you discover how deeply you believe God is her chief protector and not you. The only way through will be on your knees.

5. Lead authentically with repentance and forgiveness.

In Ephesians, Paul advises fathers, “Do not exasperate your children” (Ephesians 6:4).

Here’s the deal, dads. Women feel the effects of the fall in the area of relationship. We long for good relationships, and we also recognize when someone isn’t being authentic. Daughters will know when you’re not being genuine.

This one’s tough. You will probably have to ask forgiveness sometimes, like, when you completely lose your temper because your daughter refuses to quit texting after ten. You will also need to learn from the Prodigal Father to run toward your daughter when she has screwed up and longs for your embrace but doesn’t know how to ask for it.

Fathering daughters is not for the faint of heart; it is a most imperfect science :-)! Take heart, dear dads, for  you have a Heavenly Father who loves you and who will teach you by his Spirit.

A Prayer for Dads of Daughters:

Good, good Father in Heaven, we thank you for the dads you have given to your daughters. Strengthen them with your grace, help them by your Spirit of wisdom and courage, to love these girls so that they may become women who serve you and glorify your holy name. Amen.

Dads: I’d love to hear from you – what’s hardest for you about raising daughters?
Daughters – What did I leave out of this list?